Coffee makers

So my old Keurig picked my ass about cleaning it.  The cleaning light came on all the damn time and when I did clean it, it still didn't work.  So I threw it in the trash.  That's right, RIGHT IN THE TRASH.

So now I have a perfectly respectable work-horse coffee maker: Mr Coffee.  And the cleaning light comes on, and I unplug the machine and the pesky light goes away.

What?

(Full disclosure: I'm more like my dad than I'd feel comfortable admitting out loud)

So, I finally decide to use some vinegar to clean said coffee maker, as there's some discoloration on the part that tells me how much water is in there and that makes it hard to prepare at night when I'm in a rush.  Just trust me.  I do the whole vinegar thing and it's still discolored, so I innocently reach into the thing so see what's going on.

Sweet mother of Starbucks.

THERE WAS POND SCUM ON EVERYTHING!

I use filtered fracking water.  All the time.  What the hell.  So I spent last night and this morning scrubbing it out.  I mean, disgusting.  Beyond disgusting.  I had no idea water could do that.  Shit, it's not like water sits in there for weeks at a time.  Ugh.

I mean, what the hell is in our water????

So anyway this morning my coffee, tastes like coffee.  Pedro asked me if I like having the plague in my cup.  *eyes*

Just in case any of you are like me, please, clean your coffee makers (or throw them out and get new ones, I'm easy like that)

Jingle Bells! But mostly butterflies.

Okay, that Christmas cheer was feigned. Sorry.  It's what December 15? And we still don't have a Christmas tree. Don't get me wrong. Life has been crazy busy.  But I'd like to get moving on Christmas before it's over.  That's all I'm saying.

My last day of work for the year was on Friday.  I hope to be going back in January once the girls have started school, which is January 6th?  So I have three weeks off.  Three weeks off!  Sonia that sounds great!  Well, most of that is with my family so settle down.  Madi still requires CONSTANT supervision.  And of course, I can't do that.  Can anyone?  So she still destroys things and makes my life that much more hellish.  Oh yeah, I said it.

Wow, today is the morning of my discontent?

So anyhoo, I needs to find the Christmas pics we had taken last night.  There we go! 

I LOVE Lily's cheesy grin.  We got Madi to kind of smile by shouting "butterfiles!" at her.  She loves butterflies and loves saying the word.  And yes, somehow I did some weird zebra/leopard thing there with the girls' dresses.  Whatever.  We're WILD and we know it.

ah hahahahahahahah 

Whatever.

Aaaannnnndddd GO!

Crap.  I only have a few minutes while Madi is in the shower.  I haven't had ANY time to myself.  Well, that's not totally true.  I do drive 30 minutes each way to and from work and that's by myself. 

Yay!

Then I get to go to the bathroom by myself. 

Yay!

How am I doing?  Okay.  Yes I'm stressed and I yell a bit but I've worked two weeks for the first time in seven years and it's Lily's birthday week. 

And we have a giant hole in the hall bathroom wall.

And we've ordered a new bunk bed for Lily.

And I had to go shopping after work for mattresses (coolest mattress salesperson ever, she made it fun)

And I had my tattoo finished.  Okay, that one was for me.  But still I didn't get home until 7:30.

I am worn out!  So yes, I bicker and snip a bit.  You don't get paid your first week, it has to process.  So today, after two weeks of working I got paid!  Sweet fancy moses, did THAT feel good!

I forgot what my point was.  Lily is seven, I took her and her sister to school with a butt load of cupcakes (not really carried in my butt) then made it to work.  Then worked all day, picked up some Chinese food for dinner and I'm resting a bit while I clean up the house for company tomorrow. 

Whee mother fucking doggies.

Do I feel bad that I"m not home anymore?  Not really.  I miss the me time but Pedro gets home before them so he gets a little time, then he watches them and makes dinner.  It's like they get more of their dad?  Which isn't a bad thing.  This has been a chaotic time.  I'm looking forward to how things feel once work feels more natural and there are no more holes in walls.  :)

I hear Madi tearing around so I'd better get back to it.  Peace!

New Normal?

So today was my first day of work in seven years. Yes, being a mom is very busy, but no one cares if you do the laundry at 2am or 2pm. So this took some planning and preparedness. Pedro leaves early and gets home early to get the girls off the bus. Tonight he started dinner. Well, made dinner.

I guess I should give myself a pat on the back for planning things and/or consider the fact that I didn't work until 930. Getting there by 9 tomorrow should be different.

Am I making sense? I'm a little distracted. Lunches are ready for tomorrow and coffee is prepped. Whee doggies.

So this whole employment thing is an ego boost I needed. Yes, I could go out find a job, organize my life and make it there on time. Yes I know, kids will be sick and there will be appointments we have to make. But, for the most part, I did it. I'm extremely proud of myself. It's intimidating after so many years off.

This is the first step in my goal to take over the universe. :)

That's not my name...

Don't call me the maid.  I hate that.  I just spent 2 hours, TWO HOURS, vacuuming and steam cleaning the carpets.  Yes, they needed it.  Why did I do this?  Because Pedro and the girls are in Yorktown and I can do this stuff without being interrupted or yelled at (Madi).  Okay, Brewster brought me a lot of things.  When I don't have a roll of toilet paper in the bathroom I'll know who to thank.

So, holy crap, I have a night/day to myself.  What did I do?  Laundry, dishes, carpets.  I just felt too guilty sitting down and doing nothing.  Don't get me wrong, I was catching up on Supernatural on Netflix.  But I paused it and cleaned up.  I couldn't do nothing when the opportunity to do SOMETHING was there.  Madi doesn't like it when she can't get to me.  So she throws fits when I hang up clothes in Lily's room, or put dishes away in the kitchen.

We are working on this but in the meantime, it's a pain in the ass.

Ahhh Benny from Supernatural.  Okay, I can continue.

I get that other people have to clean their houses.  Some may get more or less help than me.  I think in the past I've wished not to do this or grumbled about waiting for when this ends.  But let's be honest.  It's not going to end.  I know, I was shocked too.  My new thing is instead of wasting time complaining, let's fix this shit.  I was thinking about a chart to make Lily so that she can earn an allowance.  If it's too hard for her to keep her room clean, then she needs more drawers and/or less stuff.  Let's do it.

I wish I hadn't got Brewster, because he does add to my workload.  And no, I'm not hanging his ass outside to live.  We don't roll like that.  He's a member of the family or he's not.  And he's curled up beside me on the floor so it's not like he has it really bad.  :)  Really badly?  I need to go back to school.

Anyhoo, I did sleep nine hours.  Nine freaking hours!  It was incredible.  I find, though, when I get sleep I'm more aware of how tired and sore I really am.  When I'm operating on a skeleton crew of neurons, which is most of the time, most of my resources are focused on keeping me moving.  Does that make sense? 

I'm feeling very productive because I'm updating the blog while I'm on hold for US Cellular.  ha!

I do feel overwhelmed a lot of the time.  There's so much to do.  The trim in the hall needs another layer of paint.  I need to clean the dog stink off of the wall (he rubs on it and discolors it?).  OMG I just looked ahead at the mess of my desk.  LOL  Forget I said anything.  Good grief.

However

I do want to say that I'm grateful for the situation that I'm in.  I do have a husband that helps out, a home and two relatively healthy kids.  I can sleep during the day if I want to.

It sucks that everything seems to be happening at once, but that seems pretty normal, right?  Also, I've had two cups of coffee so I'm on that caffeine upswing: everything is possible!!! (with cream and sugar)

I am glad for that nap even if it made me feel how tired I am.  I think I was trying to push myself and see what it would be like to not get sleep and push through my day but likely I'll find that out without practicing for it so I'll grab my sleep while I can.

Alright, time to pull up stakes.  Wagons, ho!  (at the garden, nobody freak out)

Is it raining or pouring?

I got my new, NEW start date for next Monday, the 7th of October.  I'm glad and not.  Glad because I needed that three hour nap that I just had.  Not so because I busted my hump trying to get everything done before my old new start date. 

Do other parents find it hard to draw the line between the self and obligations?  I have so much on my plate right now that there's really no time to be sleeping.  Hall bathroom wall has a big hole in it, the floor is ripped up (obviously, trying to dry it out and find the leak)  The kitchen is in serious need of an update and more storage; almost every homework packet Lily has brought home we have lost.  At least once.  I think I need to break down my garden.  It's become increasingly obvious that I can't keep that garden up and work so I need to clear it and get my stuff out.  Of which, there is a lot.

What else?  Well the whole Madi sleep thing.  We stopped trazodone in the summer because of her behavioral issues and now she uses melatonin but her system doesn't always cooperate with that either.  Pedro is sick so I've tried to let him heal up with sleep. 

:exhale:

So there's a lot going on.  I'm sure I've forgotten... oh yeah, my passport expires in 5 months, trying to do that paperwork too.  Snort. 

As far as I can tell, this has been a year of me learning to say no.  I love helping people.  Some of you who know me are probably rolling your eyes thinking, "I'm pretty sure I've heard her tell panhandlers to F off".  Well, I don't like supporting people's habits.  So there. 

That was a tangent.

Anyhoo, I hold doors open for people, wait for nincompoops to cross in a crosswalk, offer to help people carrying things.  It doesn't hurt me, as a rule, and everyone wins.  Right?

But I do this to the detriment of my own life and the people close to me.  I had to take an honest look at everything and realize, holy shit, I don't have time now to do everything, why am I trying to do more?  So I've started pulling back.  And I felt so guilty for sleeping this morning, but had to reassure myself that I need rest too. 

This a fairly rambling post.  I think my sort of point is that OMG there's a lot to do.  Doing my best (motto!) and trying to do right by the people who really need me (family!) and trying to live each day as fully as I can (cuz you just never know).

Peace, motha truckas!

Well, hmpf

Okay, I have this recent obsession with furs.  I'm not really sure what sparked it although I think I can lay the blame on the show Mob Wives.  Anyhoo, I didn't want to spend a ton of money right off the bat when I don't know what I like or what I'm doing.  I didn't know a blush mink from a Norwegian fox.  I tell you what.  So, to start small, I ordered a coyote fling and a knit mink scarf.

Don't buy knit furs.  They kind of suck.  It's pretty but it's lower quality so the mesh that the fur is pulled through is scratchy.  Who wants that?  I could wear wool for that.  Jeesh.  So, here is my coyote. It's humongous and kind of silly but I love it.  It's not the greatest quality, the fur is kind of lumpy here and there but it's fuzzy and furry and I love it.  So does the dog but we won't go there.

Now, it's fall in Virginia which means quite cool mornings with temperate afternoons.  And I mean, COLD mornings.  So I've started wearing Mr Coyote out when I have errands.  Such as taking Madilyn back to school after an appointment.

I feel like some background is required.  My mom had an old silver fox stole that she let me play with, and I had a rabbit fur jacket.  My fifth grade teacher, Mrs Shields wore, upon occasion, a small mink stole to class.

They are not that out of place to me.  So cue me entering the school.

I swear.  No one knew where to look, it's like they couldn't meet my eyes.  I think I caused a few classes just to stop and gawk at me.  Shouts of "it's a bear!" echoed around the halls.  A few people were genuinely curious and asked what it was and if they could touch it.  Of course!  It's fur.  It's meant to be fun. * I won't go too much into detail about some conversations but apparently my $170 coyote stole means I'm super rich.  Um, no.

So, Wal-mart jeans aside (which I was wearing, incidentally) when I left the school I heard one of the coaches say "oooh la la" then I heard telling the kids it was a stole.  I think that's when I fled in the car.

Really?  This is Virginia.  Home to the NRA and lots of hunters.  It's THAT weird to wear, an admittedly cheap, fur?  I wasn't strolling down the hall in $20,000 worth of mink.  But I would if I could!  ha.  Just kidding.  No I'm not.  What?

Full disclosure: I am on my second glass of wine.

Am I going back and doing it again?  Hell. Yes.

* This is coyote.  A killer of cats and dogs and farm animals and I have no problem wearing it.

Ugh

We had another bad night with Madi.  Well, maybe bad isn't the word.  I think they went to bed around 9 and she was up at 4:30.  UP.  Pedro had to go to work so I was stuck with her.  Oh yeah, I said stuck with.

I knew, KNEW, she'd fall asleep around the time that the alarm would go off and she didn't disappoint me there.  She has a behavioral therapy appointment today.  Which is fine but it kind of screws up my day.  I know, I'm a sucky mom.  I don't live for their enjoyment.  Or something.  And I don't know if Melatonin is working so well.  I remember before I had kids, thinking that I'd NEVER pump them full of drugs just to make my life easier.  What drug are we on now?  We're a family and we have to function.  We all need sleep, even little poopie head. 

I want to go back to work.  Yes, I'd like some autonomy or whatever that word means (I've been up since 4:30 ho bags) but I also want to be able to take care of the family in case something happens to Pedro.  And how can two incomes be bad?  I know, I know.  Not if it something or other the family.  Look, Lily is tired of this crap and so am I.  It's like we're stuck in a rut.  So let's git this wagon down the road. 

I think I start work next week.  Not really sure.  I have been offered a job.  But they are still doing the background check.  weeeee!  Anyway, I could crash and burn or it could work out.  Just don't know.  But I'm tired of not trying things because of all the things that COULD go wrong. 

My other motto this year:  Do your best.  That's all I can do.  (Other motto: Let it go) 

I should write a book or some crap.

Alright, time to get to therapy!

Whoops

So, hunger and caffeine don't go together.  After making oatmeal for the second time (thanks oatmeal volcano in my microwave) I'm calming down a bit. 

I think that having a special needs kid can be stressful.  There are huge degrees of how a child's development can be affected.  And I would never compare them to each other.  Madi has a genetic deletion.  There's no getting around that.  But with therapy and school, she's gaining ground. 

My goal is to live the best life that I can with what I've got.  And what that means to me is, fixing what isn't working and letting the shit go that I can't control.  Neither of which is easy, by the way.

There isn't enough room in the kind sized bed for two kids and an adult anymore.  We need to move on that bunk bed quickly.  And we've been out to look at some but there's never exactly what we want or it's so expensive.  Pedro has things he's concerned about, I have mine.  But if life is going to get better, we need to move on that. 

I'm working on getting Madi that waiver.  I want to get both girls in a daycare.  It's doable, I just need to breathe and take one step at a time.  I think step #1 is nap. 

What?

O.M.G.

Breathe in, breathe out....

Holy smokes.  So Madi's teacher told me about this waiver you can get for your special needs child.  It helps cover expenses for equipment or respite care you may need while caring for them.

FOR THE LOVE OF APPLE PIE COULD THEY MAKE IT ANY HARDER????

Holy crap. 

Anyway, so I have called someone for the THIRD time.  He talks like Alvin the Chipmunk on crack.  After two calls I finally have his name right.  Okay, just the first one, but we're getting there. 

So this whole thing is stressful and makes my tummy feel funny.  I just want the waiver form so I can print it out and start on my quest for obscure doctor's notes and test results.  I don't want to have to read what other stuff you qualify for.  It's hard enough acknowledging the depth of her needs without considering how much worse it could gett.

I'm glad there are procedures in place (however shakily they may be implemented) that help with older caregivers.  Will I be able to handle a Madi tantrum when I'm 60?  I'd better keep on lifting weights.  Where will she live if she can't live with us?

Now, I know I drive myself into a tizzy.  Forest, trees, etc.  She's been talking a lot and I'm hoping it continues.  However, I think it's prudent to consider the what ifs so I'm prepared.  I have this driving concern about money.  It's not going to fix her but having it will go a lot longer to help with her care than having none.  Was that even English?  My stomach is still doing flips from those websites I had to comb through. 

Anyhoo, my damn point is that I want to go back to work.  I'm even willing to go back to school.  I want a good higher paying job that is flexible enough so I can deal with sick kids or staff days or whatever.  The reality is that none of us are getting younger.  I have some physical issues.  Pedro has his.  Madi is getting older and stronger. 

You know what I'm getting at.

Anyway, I think I need some bourbon in my next coffee.  Mercy.  For the longest time, I didn't want to go back to work simply because of trying to deal with all of these issues.  It's so much.  But, Madi is older and hopefully her development continues at a steady pace.  I'm trying to just be positive.  Whew.

I feel like going back to bed. 

The High Road

It sure ain't all it's cracked up to be.  I've worked really hard on making myself a better person.  And I don't mean better outwardly (although, I am cute) but being a happier, mentally healthier person.  So I can enjoy life and my family better.

This, of course, means that I've changed.  I don't think in huge ways, but I'm less likely to tolerate negativity, from myself or others, and therefore some relationships have become strained.  I have tried to make these work but the longer time goes on the worse it gets.

It's hard, isn't it?  Letting go.  But I've battled low self esteem for too long to slide back into unhealthy partnerships.  If I was being completely honest, part of me wants to scream fuck off!  But I'm trying to be mature and end things on a good note.

So far, this doesn't seem to be happening.  And it's funny, that I was talking to the behaviorist and he basically said the Kung Fu Panda thing "one often meets one's destiny on the path they take to avoid it".  (we were discussing something about Madi) No matter how hard I try to avoid this, it's coming.  No matter how hard I try to do the right thing, in my mind, it just is not working. 

Have you ever let yourself be hurt so that you don't hurt others and it just blows up in your face?  I've been like that for about a year.  I must have a masochistic streak that I didn't know about.  Anyway, I'm trying to do one more thing, just one more.  I'm trying to think of a literary equivalent.  The Old Man and the Sea?  (shut up) I will reel that damn fish in.  No.  This is about letting go. 

And I'm not really being hurt by this person because I see the negativity they are coming from.  I'm certainly tired of it.  People grow apart.  Some are willing to let go and move on and others are not. 

And this year has been about letting go....  Peace.

So...

I just had a peanut butter/nutella sandwich.  I think I managed to find the one combination that doesn't go together.  My stomach is making warning sounds.  I guess no gym for me!  Just kidding.  If I have to put up with old people smells, they can handle my rough morning.

What?

Crazy week ahead.  I tried vacuuming Saturday morning and the roller brush wouldn't move.  Every single damn vacuum I have ever had was easy enough to get apart so you could see if the band that turns the brush was broken or what.  Not this vacuum.  We loved it because it was a leaner build and easier to operate with great suction.  The screws were recessed and even when they were all out the damn thing wouldn't open.  I went all Hulk on it and uh, kind of broke it.  I guess it was the kind that you have to send out for servicing.  Well, screw that.

So vacuum shopping.  Fun or what?  Ugh.  PB Nutella burp.  oof

I also need to get something for Lily's class's basket that they auction off at the fall festival.  I have donated chocolate for Madi's class but keep on getting notes that they need more.  Tough crap if they ate it all.

I mean.  Whatever.

So I want to get some fuzzy dice for Lily's class but I just keep on forgetting.  Argh.  I also volunteered to man a both.  Was I high?  Good grief.  Crap.  And I have to help a friend print out some flyers and stuff for her booth since her printer isn't working.  Not that hard just need to remember.

Tomorrow, we see the behavioralist.  Wednesday, I get my next tattoo and it's going to take three hours.  However, it's going to be awesome and I'm very excited.  Thursday, I think I have free, but I'll probably be baking for Saturday's festival.  Friday, I want to go up to Orange with my friend Mandy to talk to a lady that owns her own coffee drive thru.  I think that with all of the demands on my time, having my own business isn't such a bad idea.  But I'm just getting ideas.  I could be open 6 til noon. Come home, grab a nap and be ready for the girls.  Just an idea.  :)

So yeah, I'm trying to chill on my future planning because I am in a tizzy.  I've done some soul searching and decided that I really need and sort of want, to place my family first in my life.  We're going to know each other for a long time, hopefully, so let's make it as good as we can.  :)

GAH!

I'm so tired but I promised myself that I would write in the blog today.

So, yesterday or today, who knows, Madi was playing with an empty toilet paper roll.  I took it from her and showed her how you could peek through it and look at things.  She got the idea right away and had fun snooping at me.

Later, I try to feed her and pop a Fruit Loop in her mouth.  She takes it out, sees it's a circle and holds it up to her eye.  She can't see through it so I hear, clear as a bell, "bull shit".

If that doesn't prove she's my grandma reincarnated, I don't know what will. 

She's doing well.  Not at her age level, but learning new words and really grasping them.  We got up to 17 today before she cheated.  Counting, I mean.  So there's a slow but progressive development and that's what's most important. 

For me?  Well, I have a busy week.  Work might not start til October, which is fine because now Pedro has some training that goes til 5.  *eyeroll*

Not his fault, just how life is. 

Anyway, I would like a permanent part-time job.  But money is also fun, so we'll see how this job goes and keep on looking for the next.  I'm still in shock over how my life has just taken off.  It's fun.  :)

Peace!

Good grief

How did all that time get away from me?  Oh well.  I do feel bad for poor little Madi (year, right).  I was gone for a week, Lily was gone for almost two and now her daddy is gone for a week.

I'm going to assume that's why she's punching me and pulling my hair in the middle of the night. 

I went to see my doc today and she and I were discussing our special needs kids and the thought dawned on me, maybe Madi is tired of sleeping with us?  I mean, she's pretty attached but I know she punches me when I snore, and gurl, can I snore.

I'll have to think about that some more.

So, sleep still an issue.  Crap, I'm supposed to be emailing Dr Norwood the specialist.  Crap.

So the girls are back in school.  No I didn't take any pictures.  lol  This is what, Madi's third year and Lily's 3rd too, I guess.  Let's just say that Lily's shorts matched her backpack.  And leave it at that.

In other news, I had a cyst on my thumb popped.  I tried to get it but it was too deep.  Dr froze it then lanced it.  I hated it: kept on waiting for it to talk to me.

In other, other news: freaking love having time to myself again!!!!!!  It's been busy and I can't wait to for things to even out but it's still been great.  And Brewster can be let out of his crate to roam around so he's a happy camper too. 

Oh and I was really down about Madi and her slow progress.  But her teachers and therapists are excited.  If only the little pecker would sleep.  Damn.