Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Fuck this shit

Alright, alright, sorry about the swear words. Today has been ROUGH.

Lily doesn't really care for her sister. I've tried talking to her about this, obviously, and she has trouble even putting into words why she doesn't like her sister. I'm not going to say "Love her or else!" because 1) it's not going to work and 2) it will likely make her hate her sister more.

So we're talking today about this and Lily says something about how they will never be friends because they can't play and they can't really talk to each other. I, very patiently, start to say "Madi will never have..." and that's as far as I got because the thunderbolt hit me and I started bawling.

Madi will never have friends like Lily has friends. She'll never call or text someone. She's friendly with the other kids at school, usually, but will she ever form a bond of friendship with someone that will last the test of time?


And yes, I'm crying again so sorry about the typos. And grammar. And shit.

So then the behavioral therapist comes over, who is awesome. She starts talking to me about how I can reclaim my house and that it doesn't have to be driven by Madi and what Madi wants. How I can take control over my life again.

Well, cue another waterfall from me.

It's been kind of a gut wrenching day for me. And then the shooting in Orlando and I'm horrified by this world that I live in. Arguments online over gun control, no mental health, NO Islam and holy shit, can we do something about this? If prayer worked I would be a size 6.

But I digress. (Hey, there IS something that I'm good at!)

That's how it gets you, or me, rather. Going along, through life, as best I can, trying not to screw up too much and ka-blam! One right in the kisser. Someone very wise once told me that I will grieve for my child again and again throughout her life. It's mourning the life I had imagined for her before her diagnosis. And my friends, it is a bitter, bitter pill.

But life goes on, and I pick myself up, with garlic-cheddar biscuits, and keep on keeping on. Sometimes with tears on my cheeks and a bitter taste in my mouth.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016


Why so possessive you ask? Because I haven't served in the military and I'm sure that I'm doing some things wrong, but I figure other people have no idea what these are so this is just a little introduction.

First up - I feel like it's Christmas when I open my MRE bag. Chicken with Pasta in Pesto Sauce.  Ooh lala!

But what other treasures are inside? We'll start upper left hand corner and go around clockwise. We have the empty container, in which the food will be heated. Small packet is squishy processed cheese. Corn nuggets (aka corn nuts). "Condiment" bag. Chocolate pudding powder. (YAS!) Beverage heating bag underneath "Italian" bread sticks. Spoon. Chicken with pesto and noodles. Carbohydrate electrolyte beverage powder. (Lily loves them. They remind me of reconstituted gatorade. I hate them.)

Hokay. One of my favorite parts of this - the instructions."Rock or something" Not too fussy. The heater actually works quite well. Chemical reaction, something, again these are great for when you have no power, etc.

The contents of the "condiment" bag.  I'm not really sure what to call it. Again, clockwise from upper left corner: non dairy creamer, ground red pepper, instant coffee (says "pure coffee" on the back, thank Cthulhu), sugar, paper napkin, matches, gum, salt, and wet wipe. Seriously, these things have everything.

Squeezy cheese on some almost 5 year old italian bread. I lived. So far.

Ahhhh the main course. Did not suck. Quite a bit of chicken, almost no noodles. Flavor was... well, I ate it, okay? All of it. So it was not the best thing that I've ever put in my mouth, nor was it the worst. I did NOT eat those two bread sticks. 

I was going to make you imagine the chocolate pudding but in for a penny, in for a pound, right? We're not British, I know, just whatever. hmmmm If Jello pudding made a pudding cake that's what this would taste like. Again, not horrible but it's almost 300 calories for that little pouch so I'm going to see if I can pawn this off on Lily.