Thursday, September 19, 2013

The High Road

It sure ain't all it's cracked up to be.  I've worked really hard on making myself a better person.  And I don't mean better outwardly (although, I am cute) but being a happier, mentally healthier person.  So I can enjoy life and my family better.

This, of course, means that I've changed.  I don't think in huge ways, but I'm less likely to tolerate negativity, from myself or others, and therefore some relationships have become strained.  I have tried to make these work but the longer time goes on the worse it gets.

It's hard, isn't it?  Letting go.  But I've battled low self esteem for too long to slide back into unhealthy partnerships.  If I was being completely honest, part of me wants to scream fuck off!  But I'm trying to be mature and end things on a good note.

So far, this doesn't seem to be happening.  And it's funny, that I was talking to the behaviorist and he basically said the Kung Fu Panda thing "one often meets one's destiny on the path they take to avoid it".  (we were discussing something about Madi) No matter how hard I try to avoid this, it's coming.  No matter how hard I try to do the right thing, in my mind, it just is not working. 

Have you ever let yourself be hurt so that you don't hurt others and it just blows up in your face?  I've been like that for about a year.  I must have a masochistic streak that I didn't know about.  Anyway, I'm trying to do one more thing, just one more.  I'm trying to think of a literary equivalent.  The Old Man and the Sea?  (shut up) I will reel that damn fish in.  No.  This is about letting go. 

And I'm not really being hurt by this person because I see the negativity they are coming from.  I'm certainly tired of it.  People grow apart.  Some are willing to let go and move on and others are not. 

And this year has been about letting go....  Peace.

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