This day.... This #*$@* day.

Let me preface this by saying that Madi did not sleep well last night.  I rescued Pedro around 2 or so by going in and sleeping with her.  She hasn't been sleeping well at all.  We've taken her to the doctor and she checks out fine.  In my experience, she has these episodes when she's processing and learning.  She'll wake up and yell things.  "Butterfly!"  Snore.  Who knows what goes on in that little head.

So Madi and I stayed home today (and Lily) because she didn't sleep well the night before and I thought, jeez, this chick needs SOME rest.  (side note, I have no idea what day it is)  Long story sort of short, she pooped in the living room while I was on the computer.  I swear it was less than 5 minutes.  I guess it was lucky that Lily was home because she watched her sister in the shower while I cleaned up the mess. 

So that disaster was managed.  But then the little hootenanny takes off her diaper and pees on the sofa, five minutes after her shower.  Don't kids pee in the bath anymore????

I clean that up and Pedro comes home.  I'm trying to cook dinner and Pedro catches her peeing in the bedroom.  Seriously????  So we get that taken care of.  Then Lily calls me, I'm STILL cooking (I wasn't taking long, Madi was just on fire) and Madi is peeing in the living room.  Who has that much pee????  Which reminds me, I have a lot of laundry to do. 

We eat dinner and I enjoy some Ben & Jerry's.  While I'm sitting there I get a text from Madi's bus driver and two more stops have been added to the route and Madi will now need to be picked up at 6:30. 

That means she'll spend 90 minutes on the bus.  She's four.  And she's special needs.  Really?  So I will now be driving her to school.  The bus ride home isn't as long.  Two and a half weeks of school left.  My mind is a little bit boggled. 

Also, is the universe trying to kill me?  I don't think I can take much more. 

Got Your Goat

RAWRRRRR

I haven't been on my computer in a while.  Someone either hogs it or makes it impossible to get to.  Well, I summoned my internal claymore tosser and cleared shit up fast.  Oh yes I did!

Anyway, then I struggled with my phone so I only have a minute before I need to run to work.

Catching tadpoles!

My boyfriend.  No seriously, he hid from everyone else. 

Sweet thing had a bad back.  But I managed to sweet talk to come over and say hi.

Making a nest.

And probably their favorite part of the day...

So the fieldtrip was fun.  Madi hasn't been sleeping well so I driving over 3 hours round trip was a bit of a nightmare.  Onto my favorite story:

I brought some cash with me because those places operate on revenue and I figured there would be feed or something to buy.  And I was right.  Because I'm awesome.  Shit and I need to leave in 5 minutes.

Okay, so me and my peeps (Lily and Taylor) were going to get goat food because I scrounged up some quarters.  Well, poop as soon as we got to the goat pen, ten other kids showed up.  Does that always happen?  So I get Lily and Taylor sorted but there's this sort of pesky kid.  Can't I give her a quarter, she wants some food.  So I turn and gesture grandly at the hundreds of people still eating lunch behind us and I say "Do you see all those people?  Go hit them up".  OH YES I DID.  There was a dad there and I thought he was going to hurt himself laughing at me.  Anyway, so I still wanted to feed the goats and if there weren't five of those little ankle biters trying to jones in on my goat food.  I think I said something like "hey, hold up! that's my food!  Mamma wants to feed a goat."  Said dad was dying of laughter. 

I drove 150 miles yesterday?  Something like that.  I wanted to feed a damn goat.  The small ones have the tickliest mouths.  :)  Totally worth taking on a gang of first graders.  :)  There's probably a reason I don't get invited on many field trips. 

Sigh

So it's normal not to know what the hell you're doing with your life?  I've been so stressed again lately.  I'm trying to think of everything bad that's happened to me this year.  It's kind of a lot.  And not that making a list is going to help me but I want to illustrate just how badly 2014 has sucked for me. 

Suffice it to say, I'm missing out on work again to wait and see my doc first thing this morning.  My nose has been itchy for days.  And it's that numb tingling that I know from shingles.  What makes that really interesting, is that I'm taking acyclovir because there's STILL inflammation in my eye from the first time that I got shingles.  My vision in that eye has gone from 20/25 last year to 20/60 this year.  Oh yeah. So, we've upped my meds and that includes acyclovir.  It's kind of creepy. 

Let's not forget that I hit a deer a few weeks ago.  Pulled a muscle so I haven't been to the gym in a week.  I feel like I have gremlins.  My phone fell out of my pocket, landed right in front of my foot and i kicked it 20 feet across the parking lot.  The protective case burst off of it so the back of my phone is scratched.  The only good part was that the plastic film was still on the camera lens so that's not ruined.

Really.

What the fuck is going on in my life.  And I'm stressed about Madi.  I can't take her syndrome in stride like some people do.  I'm so, very glad that she's healthy.  But I feel like I can't take the unknown parts.  I know that people who have "normal" kids have stuff they need to deal with too, you can never count on life turning out how you expect it.  There are a lot of things that can go wrong for everyone. 

I keep on pushing myself to work even though I'm more tired then I ever thought I could be, because I like my job, I like where I work and they've been flexible with the NUMEROUS days I've had to take off because school has been closed due to snow.  Or the threat of snow.  Let's not go there.

And, shit, I still need to pay for my tooth.  I have money for the implant, but I'm trying to save money for the crown.  Our dental insurance only really covers the preventative stuff.  Not getting that tooth means that my teeth are going to move around more and I'm going to have more problems then I already do so, yes, I will fork out close to $5000 to get this damn bloody tooth.

Are people getting where I'm coming from?  Yes, I'm grateful that I have the money or the ability to get the money to get this done.  But I hate this struggling feeling.  I know, I'm not alone.  I'm just trying to figure things out now, so that if something really bad happens, like Pedro or I can't work, I'll have back up in place.  But Madi was denied for a waiver.  So I'm trying to gather more information and decide on the next step.  if I'm going to work this summer, during the day, she needs care that's a few steps above regular day care and if I pay a nanny, then all of my money is going into childcare. 

At that point, it's not worth working.  So I don't know what to do.  And I'm still struggling to make sense of the situation I'm in.  I know I stress and worry.  Bad things happen when you least expect them, so I expect them all the time so they can't happen.  See?  You can tell how well that's working out for me. 

Anyhoodles, I need to get ready to see the doc and hope that I'm not getting shingles.  Boo.

So yeah...

Am I too young for a mid life crisis?  I never had to question life too much before and now I'm always questioning it.  Or maybe I did wonder about some stuff but not as hard as I do now?  I don't know. 

So here's my thing.  I called the housing crisis and the start of the recession.  I mean, I didn't say, hey there's going to be a recession, but I kept on asking every one I knew, how are people affording these $400,000 houses?  That's and executive priced house and most people I know are not executives!  And then boom, turns out people really couldn't afford them and ta da, the situation we're in today.

So I try and use my so-called reasoning skills now, trying to figure out the best way to use the rest of the life that I have left to maximize my earnings and protect my family as much as I can from any disasters.  No, I'm not building a bubble around my house.  But I keep a stockpile of water.  I'd like a weeks' worth of non-perishable food.  I guess some people might scoff but if there's a big earthquake or hurricane, shit can go south very quickly. 

Anyway, so here's what I see, gather around kiddies.  I see an economy still struggling.  I see a lot of empty stores and yet new buildings going up.  That tells me, there isn't the money for new businesses, not good, and that the local chamber of commerce is more concerned about collecting money from issuing building permits than working on developing business.  Seriously, go to Zion's Crossroads and look at the Louisa County side (Walmart, Lowes, multiple restaurants and gas stations), then look at Fluvanna's side - crickets.  No seriously, there's a big field, I'll bet it's full of crickets.  Oh and there are also still a lot of empty houses.  What does that tell me?  My property value is likely to go down.  The number on your property assessment is just a number it's not what people will pay in the real world.

Where does that take us from there?

Well, if people are losing value in their homes, that means their retirement plans could be in jeopardy.  Which means they could work longer, which could affect some of us waiting for the baby boomers to retire already. 

Geez there are so many variables, it's easy to get sidetracked.  Anyway, I guess it's batten down the hatches and ride it out.  Sigh.  And Lily just came in here to explain her Littlest Pet Shop game to me and well, there's no escaping.

Wake me Up

For some reason I have that Avicii song in my head.  Well, okay, it still gets a lot of radio play.  Whatever. 

This is the first time I've been on my computer in weeks and I had to move a lot of Pedro's junk off my desk so I could get to it.  grrrr  Anyway, I put Madi on the bus and I'm keeping Lily home.  It seems like her bronchitis is back with a vengeance. 

So yeah, listening to her cough most of the night.  mmmm Coffee.

Anyway, I've been seriously worried about losing my job.  I know I'm a temp and I could be let go and any time.  Obviously, I can't control the snow or sick kids, but still, my first 40 hour week of the year was LAST WEEK.  It's like I cannot physically be there for 40 hours.  Something always comes up. 

So I keep on plugging away and doing what I can because I'd rather make some money than no money. 

But I'm tired, and stressed.  I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life.  I know I've said this before.  In Vancouver, I was set for life.  But I wasn't really living.  If you could call living by the beach and going out all the time not living.  Cough.  I kid.  I hated the building I lived in.  I could hear my neighbors going pee.  I was tired and stressed.

Sound familiar?

Anyway, at least I could nap.  And get drunk.  Cough.

Anyway.  Sometimes it feels like everyone else has life figured out, except for me.  I know that's not true.  It's like I'm looking for that one solution. That one job, or one something.  Madi obviously requires a lot more foresight and planning than her sister.  I can make do without a lot.  I can hear some of you scoffing and if you've seen my Wall of Purses, I can understand why.  But when I lived in Australia I had everything I needed in my rucksack (which included coffee) and I was happy.  But now I have a child who will need care her whole life.  I can't carry her in my rucksack.

We did have a good IEP meeting yesterday.  Her PT has pretty much been dropped.  I was surprised they were still doing it.  Remember when she started school she had those little ankle supports because she was having so much trouble walking.  Now she climbs like a mountain goat and can certainly run faster than I can so I had no problems with no PT.  

However, it was still hard seeing her limitations in black and white.  She's improving, don't get me wrong.  But it's still hard.  She'll be five in June but she operates on a 2 year old level.  Again, she's still moving forward and improvement, no matter how slow, is great.  It's just hard confronting it like that.  I see what she can do and I'm happy for her and like it when she cracks her jokes on us.  I don't see her as "slow" although I know she is.

Gross Story Alert

She's been pooping in the tub a lot this week.  I know, we think it's gross too.  So after fussing at her and telling her it goes in the potty, she put a big lump out in the hallway for us, last night.  Tell me that kid doesn't know what she's doing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcrbM1l_BoI

Worry

So, I have a lot of my plate.  I did finally get my passport application off, which was a job in itself.  But that's another post. 

I keep arguing in my head about how to proceed so here it is in bullet points:

- worry about Madi and her future
- worry about providing for family if something happens to Pedro
- worry about losing my job because of all the time I miss related to the kids, ie school closings, illness
- worry about the economy in general
- worry about how to help Lily get the most out of her life
- worry about getting enough sleep because I feel like that will NEVER happen again
- ummm

I feel like there's more but it's hard to seperate the "real" worries from the ones I don't really know about.

Hello, English.  What I mean is, let's say something happens to Pedro and I need to work and get insurance, etc.  That would be stressful.  The economy and the state of it is something I can't know by myself, I just hear about it through the media.  Is it as bad as they say?  Who's measuring this stuff?  Is the media more likely to tell bad stories to get more attention?

I don't know but it's the kind of stuff likely to keep me up at night.

The whole point of me going back to work and being tired and stressed was to make money to put into savings and help out with Madi down the road.  Maybe Lily but she's smart so she'll figure that out.  ha!  But I've missed so many days due to school closings for snow, it's been ridiculous.  And I know I'm at a great place where they, hopefully, don't penalize me when I'm not there.  I wouldn't be so lucky at a lot of other places.  I don't know what I'm trying to say... I'm lucky but I don't want to abuse it, and I'm not, but shoot, companies hire people to work there, not sit at home on snow days.

O.o

So I haven't been making the money I set out to make, I'm stressed about losing my job, frustrated that my plans aren't working out like I had hoped oh and Lily had a great riding lesson so she wants to ride again.  After SOBBING about not wanting to ride.  Really, we had two lessons where we just walked the pony/horse around because she refused to ride. 

O.o

Anyway, my point is.  ARGH!  So there, now I'm off to take Madi to the dentist.  (insert maniacal laughter here)

Gung fat choy thing

Happy Chinese New Year!  I had some chinese food for dinner and now I'm puffy.

What?

So life goes on and on.  Finally back at work after being out a week due to snow/school closings and the holiday.  I have a dream too and it involves a paycheck.

Oh no she didn't!

Madi has been doing really well and yet becoming more of a pain in the ass.  She's talking a lot and asks for things, as long as those things are cheese or juice.  Hey, it's a start.  I got her a Brobee doll, because she says his name when she sees him on Yo Gabba Gabba.  I was at Toys R Us with Lily and turned around and he was staring at me.  It was amazing. 

She pretends not to notice him but when we're not watching she runs off with him to other rooms and has her way with him.  He's about her size.  And hey, it gives me a break. 

No, I'm not kidding,

Gosh I had a million things to write about and I have five minutes and I can't think of anything... I'm not getting braces.  Orthodontist said there's no need: waste of time and money.  I  know, I was shocked too.  He's a cool guy, will likely take Lily there when she needs braces.

What else?  We're celebrating Pedro's birthday tomorrow.  Yay!  He's 41, or something.  Anyhoo, pooped out from the gym, must drink moscato....

Gah!

Do I say that a lot?  This year... I'm trying to be grateful for what I have and stuff.  Sorry, it's late and I only have a few minutes before I have to go to bed with Madi.

Who has been sick all week and hasn't slept well since... Saturday?  Sweet murgatroid.

Anyway, yes, grateful, optimistic, moving forward. I am hoping to go back to work in January.  Working will help me pay for my new tooth.

And I had to be really honest with myself.  Pedro wants me to stay home with the girls next summer but I really don't want to.  Really.  Don't. Want. To.  I find it a mild form of torture to be with my kids all day.  That used to make me feel really guilty.  Not so much anymore.  Some people are great at cooking, some people are great at singing, some are great at parenting.  I am not.  It just kind of hit me one day.  I was so guilty, why don't I want to be around my kids all day, waaah.  Then I was like, I don't have to want to be around them all the time.  It doesn't make me a bad person.  I'd rather find them great childcare and a job that helps us live a little better and put money in savings for the girls. 

You know?

Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. 

Anyway, my few minutes of peace and quiet has already been disrupted.  Sigh.  I know.  I didn't mean for this to be so whiny.  But there it is.

Me vs the Printer

I won.

Coffee makers

So my old Keurig picked my ass about cleaning it.  The cleaning light came on all the damn time and when I did clean it, it still didn't work.  So I threw it in the trash.  That's right, RIGHT IN THE TRASH.

So now I have a perfectly respectable work-horse coffee maker: Mr Coffee.  And the cleaning light comes on, and I unplug the machine and the pesky light goes away.

What?

(Full disclosure: I'm more like my dad than I'd feel comfortable admitting out loud)

So, I finally decide to use some vinegar to clean said coffee maker, as there's some discoloration on the part that tells me how much water is in there and that makes it hard to prepare at night when I'm in a rush.  Just trust me.  I do the whole vinegar thing and it's still discolored, so I innocently reach into the thing so see what's going on.

Sweet mother of Starbucks.

THERE WAS POND SCUM ON EVERYTHING!

I use filtered fracking water.  All the time.  What the hell.  So I spent last night and this morning scrubbing it out.  I mean, disgusting.  Beyond disgusting.  I had no idea water could do that.  Shit, it's not like water sits in there for weeks at a time.  Ugh.

I mean, what the hell is in our water????

So anyway this morning my coffee, tastes like coffee.  Pedro asked me if I like having the plague in my cup.  *eyes*

Just in case any of you are like me, please, clean your coffee makers (or throw them out and get new ones, I'm easy like that)

Jingle Bells! But mostly butterflies.

Okay, that Christmas cheer was feigned. Sorry.  It's what December 15? And we still don't have a Christmas tree. Don't get me wrong. Life has been crazy busy.  But I'd like to get moving on Christmas before it's over.  That's all I'm saying.

My last day of work for the year was on Friday.  I hope to be going back in January once the girls have started school, which is January 6th?  So I have three weeks off.  Three weeks off!  Sonia that sounds great!  Well, most of that is with my family so settle down.  Madi still requires CONSTANT supervision.  And of course, I can't do that.  Can anyone?  So she still destroys things and makes my life that much more hellish.  Oh yeah, I said it.

Wow, today is the morning of my discontent?

So anyhoo, I needs to find the Christmas pics we had taken last night.  There we go! 

I LOVE Lily's cheesy grin.  We got Madi to kind of smile by shouting "butterfiles!" at her.  She loves butterflies and loves saying the word.  And yes, somehow I did some weird zebra/leopard thing there with the girls' dresses.  Whatever.  We're WILD and we know it.

ah hahahahahahahah 

Whatever.

Aaaannnnndddd GO!

Crap.  I only have a few minutes while Madi is in the shower.  I haven't had ANY time to myself.  Well, that's not totally true.  I do drive 30 minutes each way to and from work and that's by myself. 

Yay!

Then I get to go to the bathroom by myself. 

Yay!

How am I doing?  Okay.  Yes I'm stressed and I yell a bit but I've worked two weeks for the first time in seven years and it's Lily's birthday week. 

And we have a giant hole in the hall bathroom wall.

And we've ordered a new bunk bed for Lily.

And I had to go shopping after work for mattresses (coolest mattress salesperson ever, she made it fun)

And I had my tattoo finished.  Okay, that one was for me.  But still I didn't get home until 7:30.

I am worn out!  So yes, I bicker and snip a bit.  You don't get paid your first week, it has to process.  So today, after two weeks of working I got paid!  Sweet fancy moses, did THAT feel good!

I forgot what my point was.  Lily is seven, I took her and her sister to school with a butt load of cupcakes (not really carried in my butt) then made it to work.  Then worked all day, picked up some Chinese food for dinner and I'm resting a bit while I clean up the house for company tomorrow. 

Whee mother fucking doggies.

Do I feel bad that I"m not home anymore?  Not really.  I miss the me time but Pedro gets home before them so he gets a little time, then he watches them and makes dinner.  It's like they get more of their dad?  Which isn't a bad thing.  This has been a chaotic time.  I'm looking forward to how things feel once work feels more natural and there are no more holes in walls.  :)

I hear Madi tearing around so I'd better get back to it.  Peace!

New Normal?

So today was my first day of work in seven years. Yes, being a mom is very busy, but no one cares if you do the laundry at 2am or 2pm. So this took some planning and preparedness. Pedro leaves early and gets home early to get the girls off the bus. Tonight he started dinner. Well, made dinner.

I guess I should give myself a pat on the back for planning things and/or consider the fact that I didn't work until 930. Getting there by 9 tomorrow should be different.

Am I making sense? I'm a little distracted. Lunches are ready for tomorrow and coffee is prepped. Whee doggies.

So this whole employment thing is an ego boost I needed. Yes, I could go out find a job, organize my life and make it there on time. Yes I know, kids will be sick and there will be appointments we have to make. But, for the most part, I did it. I'm extremely proud of myself. It's intimidating after so many years off.

This is the first step in my goal to take over the universe. :)

That's not my name...

Don't call me the maid.  I hate that.  I just spent 2 hours, TWO HOURS, vacuuming and steam cleaning the carpets.  Yes, they needed it.  Why did I do this?  Because Pedro and the girls are in Yorktown and I can do this stuff without being interrupted or yelled at (Madi).  Okay, Brewster brought me a lot of things.  When I don't have a roll of toilet paper in the bathroom I'll know who to thank.

So, holy crap, I have a night/day to myself.  What did I do?  Laundry, dishes, carpets.  I just felt too guilty sitting down and doing nothing.  Don't get me wrong, I was catching up on Supernatural on Netflix.  But I paused it and cleaned up.  I couldn't do nothing when the opportunity to do SOMETHING was there.  Madi doesn't like it when she can't get to me.  So she throws fits when I hang up clothes in Lily's room, or put dishes away in the kitchen.

We are working on this but in the meantime, it's a pain in the ass.

Ahhh Benny from Supernatural.  Okay, I can continue.

I get that other people have to clean their houses.  Some may get more or less help than me.  I think in the past I've wished not to do this or grumbled about waiting for when this ends.  But let's be honest.  It's not going to end.  I know, I was shocked too.  My new thing is instead of wasting time complaining, let's fix this shit.  I was thinking about a chart to make Lily so that she can earn an allowance.  If it's too hard for her to keep her room clean, then she needs more drawers and/or less stuff.  Let's do it.

I wish I hadn't got Brewster, because he does add to my workload.  And no, I'm not hanging his ass outside to live.  We don't roll like that.  He's a member of the family or he's not.  And he's curled up beside me on the floor so it's not like he has it really bad.  :)  Really badly?  I need to go back to school.

Anyhoo, I did sleep nine hours.  Nine freaking hours!  It was incredible.  I find, though, when I get sleep I'm more aware of how tired and sore I really am.  When I'm operating on a skeleton crew of neurons, which is most of the time, most of my resources are focused on keeping me moving.  Does that make sense? 

I'm feeling very productive because I'm updating the blog while I'm on hold for US Cellular.  ha!

I do feel overwhelmed a lot of the time.  There's so much to do.  The trim in the hall needs another layer of paint.  I need to clean the dog stink off of the wall (he rubs on it and discolors it?).  OMG I just looked ahead at the mess of my desk.  LOL  Forget I said anything.  Good grief.

However

I do want to say that I'm grateful for the situation that I'm in.  I do have a husband that helps out, a home and two relatively healthy kids.  I can sleep during the day if I want to.

It sucks that everything seems to be happening at once, but that seems pretty normal, right?  Also, I've had two cups of coffee so I'm on that caffeine upswing: everything is possible!!! (with cream and sugar)

I am glad for that nap even if it made me feel how tired I am.  I think I was trying to push myself and see what it would be like to not get sleep and push through my day but likely I'll find that out without practicing for it so I'll grab my sleep while I can.

Alright, time to pull up stakes.  Wagons, ho!  (at the garden, nobody freak out)