Friday, March 21, 2014


So it's normal not to know what the hell you're doing with your life?  I've been so stressed again lately.  I'm trying to think of everything bad that's happened to me this year.  It's kind of a lot.  And not that making a list is going to help me but I want to illustrate just how badly 2014 has sucked for me. 

Suffice it to say, I'm missing out on work again to wait and see my doc first thing this morning.  My nose has been itchy for days.  And it's that numb tingling that I know from shingles.  What makes that really interesting, is that I'm taking acyclovir because there's STILL inflammation in my eye from the first time that I got shingles.  My vision in that eye has gone from 20/25 last year to 20/60 this year.  Oh yeah. So, we've upped my meds and that includes acyclovir.  It's kind of creepy. 

Let's not forget that I hit a deer a few weeks ago.  Pulled a muscle so I haven't been to the gym in a week.  I feel like I have gremlins.  My phone fell out of my pocket, landed right in front of my foot and i kicked it 20 feet across the parking lot.  The protective case burst off of it so the back of my phone is scratched.  The only good part was that the plastic film was still on the camera lens so that's not ruined.


What the fuck is going on in my life.  And I'm stressed about Madi.  I can't take her syndrome in stride like some people do.  I'm so, very glad that she's healthy.  But I feel like I can't take the unknown parts.  I know that people who have "normal" kids have stuff they need to deal with too, you can never count on life turning out how you expect it.  There are a lot of things that can go wrong for everyone. 

I keep on pushing myself to work even though I'm more tired then I ever thought I could be, because I like my job, I like where I work and they've been flexible with the NUMEROUS days I've had to take off because school has been closed due to snow.  Or the threat of snow.  Let's not go there.

And, shit, I still need to pay for my tooth.  I have money for the implant, but I'm trying to save money for the crown.  Our dental insurance only really covers the preventative stuff.  Not getting that tooth means that my teeth are going to move around more and I'm going to have more problems then I already do so, yes, I will fork out close to $5000 to get this damn bloody tooth.

Are people getting where I'm coming from?  Yes, I'm grateful that I have the money or the ability to get the money to get this done.  But I hate this struggling feeling.  I know, I'm not alone.  I'm just trying to figure things out now, so that if something really bad happens, like Pedro or I can't work, I'll have back up in place.  But Madi was denied for a waiver.  So I'm trying to gather more information and decide on the next step.  if I'm going to work this summer, during the day, she needs care that's a few steps above regular day care and if I pay a nanny, then all of my money is going into childcare. 

At that point, it's not worth working.  So I don't know what to do.  And I'm still struggling to make sense of the situation I'm in.  I know I stress and worry.  Bad things happen when you least expect them, so I expect them all the time so they can't happen.  See?  You can tell how well that's working out for me. 

Anyhoodles, I need to get ready to see the doc and hope that I'm not getting shingles.  Boo.


kerry staub said...

I love you

LzyMom said...

You are very sweet. And I love you too, fox-hole sister. :)