That word there!

I don't even know if there's a word for what I'm going through.  Madi has been frustrating as of late.  Lots of peeing on the floor and my dresser (it's a 1930s low rider - I made that part up) poop on the sofa.  It's been very very soul crushing.  Is this going to be my life forever??  And so, of course, Madi seems to be making some headway in her development.  I swear she waits for black clouds to form around my head.  Anyway...

She's been peeing on the potty (obviously alternating with the carpet) and she has a new sense of individuality.  I tried to put her sippy in her mouth and I got some serious talk to the hand action. She even likes drinking from a straw now.

**** Lily just interrupted me to ask if she could accept a friend request from someone on Littlest Pet Shop Pets or whatever they are, and I was thinking it was a kid.  Middle aged women play this game???  WTH?****

So anyway, I couldn't even feed Madi yogurt last night.  She backhanded me so many times I still have yogurt in my hair.  I had to crush her meds and sneak them in some liquid tylenol.  The hell.  Last night she very carefully carried her drinks and dinner and set them up the way she wanted them.  I was like, who are you?  Oh and she loves the word princess.  Whenever she sees someone that looks even remotely like a princess she asks "princess?".  And if I put something cute on her and call her a princess she gets very excited.  I don't really know what to call this.  More self-awareness?  She wants to do things her way?  I'm not complaining much (except for the yogurt in hair part) it's a great sign of her progressing in her development.

Also, she kept me up from 4 til 6:30 so she's not my favorite kid right now.

And Pedro shocked me when he asked for more vegetarian meals.  Am I in another dimension?

I hope these videos load.  As per usual they are sideways.  I hope blogger is up to the challenge....

Our greatest treasure - the fart ray gun in action.

SIGH

I'm sure most of us know about Robin Williams by now.  My brain just cannot process it.  He was larger than life.  I read an interesting article on comedians and depression.  You can google it.  I understand that part of it.  I guess my shock comes from the fact that he was so successful he had access to help that most of us can't afford.  I understand that depression doesn't care how much you have in your bank account.  But that's what I stress about so I can't imagine being so smart, successful and wealthy and still feel so broken.  

I do grieve for him.  That such a bright star has gone still.  I guess that's a cliche.  Sorry my laptop won't let me do accent marks.  It's just so hard to imagine that someone who had accomplished so much took his own life.  Shit, I could come up with a long list of people who would make the world a better place if they were no longer in it.  But Robin Williams?  Gah.

So anyway, back to my crappy life.  Ahhh I'm sorry.  I know I have a lot to be grateful for and I AM grateful for it.  I read another blog this morning about a mom who posted a picture of her kitchen and "advice" flooded in about how she should fix it up.  And it made her feel bad like she needed to update and fix it.  Then she had a moment of clarity.  Anyway, I won't go on and on about it but I realize that I am privileged in a lot of ways. 

I'm trying to stay hopeful for Madi.  And me.  lol  I don't know if she'll ever sleep without medication.  She doesn't sleep with medication!  ha  But anyway, the point I'm trying to make is... I often get depressed thinking about the future with Madi.  And I know it's not just being bummed out from a lack of sleep, tho I'm sure that contributes to it.  I need to get her new clothes and I feel like I don't even know how to do that.  I mean, really.  I've been shopping since I was how old?  But I feel like I won't get the right stuff, or don't know what to get.  That kind of screwed up thinking lets me know that something isn't right.  Thankfully, I have this other voice in my head that says are you kidding?  What the hell do you think Amazon is for??  But it's a struggle.  Every day is a struggle.  And I feel guilty, which makes me feel worse, because I do have so much to be thankful for.  See how that works?

Anyway, life goes on.  In one form or another.  Do your best.  Take each day at a time.  Love others and make sure to love yourself too.  And coffee.  :)

The other story... **spoiler alert**

I knew that I wouldn't get much rest on our vacation and Madi delivered.  Between her keeping us up for hours screaming and Pedro's snoring the rest of the time, I was pretty zombified.

Note:  Hershey Lodge must have the rooms sound proofed because we didn't hear anything from our next door or upstairs neighbors and we didn't receive any complaints to shut up.  Cool.

To be fair, Madi handled the four hour drive well and adapted to the hotel room, admirably.  She doesn't sleep well, that's the norm.

Anyhoo, Lily wanted to do more than we were able to do and I felt bad.  But my main goal for the trip was survival.  I'm sure you can play mini golf almost anywhere in the world.  Anyway she did get one swim in and managed to swim on her back halfway across the pool.  I need to get her swimming lessons.  Pedro is adamant that he wants to teach her to swim but she's almost 8 and still can't swim.  By the time I was 7 or 9, can't remember, I was taking the life saver tests.  I was failed on the last one, probably because I was so young.  At least that's what people told me.  Imagine a scrawny 90 lb ten year old swimming out to save you.  :)

Anyway, room service really saved our asses.  You could order from all of the restaurants.  Even the bar.  And I didn't think the prices were that bad.  My sirloin steak was maybe a little more than I'd normally pay but OMG it was a beautiful cut.  I almost didn't need a knife to cut it and no fat to speak of.  I'm not sure my sirloin and their sirloin are the same thing.  NOT COMPLAINING!

So I guess I should own up.  When we first got to the room, I told Pedro that Lily and I were going to scope out the hotel.  What I really meant was, I'm heading to the bar and having my first martini.  Lily complained about the noise (there really wasn't any) and said it was probably because it was her first time in a bar.  Thanks for that.  It was really just part of the lobby.  I did put my foot down and refused to let her sit at the bar, after she'd climbed up on a stool.  I have SOME standards.  And I got her a shirley temple to shut her up.  I mean, for a treat.

There were fun moments.  I ordered a balloon treat for Madi.  She got 4 balloons and a humongous candy bar to weigh them down.  Only two balloons made it back to Virginia.  Next time I'll get it for her the first day we're there.  She's taken one of them everywhere with her today. Including the dentist.  That was fun.  But her teeth look good, no cavities and no issues he could see.  We got some fluoride painted on her teeth after they were cleaned.  I think I'm lucky that she loves her fruit and veggies.  Yes she loves candy too but she doesn't hold out for it.  She'll happily steal lettuce from our salads and can't get enough raw sugar snaps.  You know?  We are very lucky.

Oh right, balloons.  So I should've done that earlier but oh well.  So Hershey Park is pretty huge. I didn't make it to the Midway America side.  My feet were crying.  Well, everything was by the end of the day.

Pedro took the girls back to the hotel around 4 and that's when I grabbed my fast pass.  The last one.  Oh boy.  I've always kind of hated those people who cut in line when you've waited an hour for the ride. But hells bells, I could've maybe ridden two coasters in an hour, maybe.  This allowed me to hit all of the nine major ones in 90 minutes, give or take.  I didn't do the two in the Midway side because they were over there and because they looked like old school rides.  Maybe I was wrong.  I'm kind of more into the crazy twirly rides.

So the fast pass.  At Hershey, you pay $50 per person and the pass allows you to ride one roller coaster an hour.  They open up like 10 to 10:45, etc.  NOW because I got mine at the end of the day, I didn't have to wait for any of them to open NOR was I constrained by a time limit.  Like you have to ride the 10am coaster by 10:45 or you lose out.  Do you see what I'm saying?  I totally scored.  I mean, don't count on doing that because they do sell out.  I happened to fluke out.  And I wouldn't want to be there all day waiting for the rides to open up.  Seriously, it was meant to be.  :)

Anyway, most people gave me the hairy eyeball when I was escorted to my seat.  I feel ya.  I hate those assholes too.  But I was that asshole.  lol!

So the first tide was Sky Rush, or something.  Bear in mind I was trying to do this as quickly as possible.  The rides kind of blended together.  It was one of the rides that you can't have anything loose on, so I had everything stuff in my pockets.  Usually with the fast pass you are stuffed in the middle row but they put me at the back.  Everyone knows it's a little wilder at the back.  Sweet murgatroid.  Almost immediately I felt like my phone was slipping out of my pocket so I let go to shove my hand in my pocket.  Well, the g forces were so strong that even me, teutonic brick house that I am, was being flung about in my seat.  To try to counter the forces I tucked my legs under the seat and cross them and encountered sharp metal.  Anyway, I stopped bleeding pretty quickly but my legs are still bruised.   Also, I felt half undressed when I got off the ride.  My shirt had gone up and my shorts down.  Good grief.  I mean, it was a great ride but it was something else.

There was another ride that takes off I swear you go zero to sixty in two seconds.  I didn't know.  I didn't know about any of these rides.  So I'm looking to see where the next ride is and all of a sudden I can't even turn my head as we're rocketing up the track.  I mean, holy crap.  Can't they warn you?

Phew.

So there was the Great Bear which was loads of fun.  Twirling one way then the other.  The Comet was kind of boring.  Sorry.  There was one where you go forwards and backwards.  That was fun.  But the last one I did was Fahrenheit.  OMG  I put that pic on facebook.  You go straight up then loop in a bit so you're going a little upside down on the way down. I screamed so hard.  And laughed.  That is a great ride.  I couldn't stop laughing.

So in addition to my bruises and scabs, I'm hoarse.  Oh poor Sonia.  Having fun and cutting in line.  lol  I'm so surprised by how sore I am.  I saw a bunch of bruises under my arms too.  Damn.  I am glad that I did this because if I've learned anything in life it's that you don't know what the future holds so carpe diem.  And it just so happened that everything worked in my favor.  And I tried to play it smart.  Didn't eat much.  Favored smoothies over solid foods.  So I kept everyone hydrated and moving. 

Oh and you can rent strollers there.  I thought $17 for a double wide was a good deal.  They have nice high handles too, which Pedro appreciated.  Oh and we made Madi walk a lot.  She actually slept through the night last night.  I'm sure she's as tired as we are.  :) Oh and we did make Madi go on one ride: Tea cups.  hahahahaha  She hated it.  Lily was busy twirling the cup and Madi was trying just as hard to stop her.  It was hilarious.  Madi liked the zoo and seeing the fish and birds.  They had a couple of wolves and some sleepy black bears.  A shit-ton of geese.  Good grief.  They have stations set up at different parts of the park where you can pay for dried corn and feed the geese.  Pedro and Lily did this and he said they are lazy bastards that wait for food to be thrown at them.  I told them I'd see them at Thanksgiving.  WHAT?

Since it's Hershey Park (and lodge) chocolate is featured in almost everything.  Shampoo and conditioner? Cocoa bean.  Everyone walks around smelling and smelling like chocolate.  Lily and I walked outside one time and they must have had the factory fired up because all we could smell was chocolate.  I'm sure you get the idea.

So here's the spoiler:  They make macadamia nut kisses!!!  I had no idea.  They don't make them in PA, but don't think I'm not going to order some from Hawaii.  I'll bet they're awesome.

I only have four martini glasses.  Pedro helped me out.  He discovered that drinking a martini in one gulp helps you sleep.  *eyeroll*

Lily needs me to help her play her game.  So I'd better go parent or something.  :)

Hershey a go go

I'm hilarious.

Let me preface this by saying I'm so exhausted.  Onwards.

First, (yes you can preface a first, I just made that rule) it was great staying at Hershey Lodge.  Yes, it's very expensive BUT you get a discount on the tickets into Hershey park, almost $20 off a ticket for adults, AND it's like it's own amusement park.

What say you?

There are children's activities almost every hour.  We got to see a golden eagle up close just because it was 9:30.  There are pools and mini golf and a smores party every night.  All included in your stay. All of the restaurants there are included in room service which runs 6am til 11 at night.

Big deal say you.  Well, Madi doesn't do noise very well and had a meltdown the one time we ate in a restaurant.  She pulled her hair after eating bacon so she smelled good the rest of the day.

But I digress.

Have noisy rambunctious kids?  Well, so do 95% of the people there.  No one will bat an eye or complain.  It was kind of satisfying listening to other parents yell at their kids.  Okay, yes you will hear kids stomp and run down the halls most hours of the day but then you don't need to feel guilty when your kid is doing cartwheels.  My point is, it's a kid friendly place with lots of activities and a pretty accepting atmosphere for families.

Well, say you, I only want to go to Hershey's Park.  Alright fine.  Go there.  Queue up to get to a parking spot.  Walk 10 or more minutes or wait that long for a shuttle.  Then queue up for your tickets.  OR jump on the hershey lodge shuttle and be dropped off right at the entrance.  We were getting serious stink eye from the people who walked.  When you check in at the Lodge, you receive your tickets and a chocolate bar each.  BOOM!

Someone once told me you pay for convenience and it's true.  Was it worth it for me?  Hell yes.

Also?  The martinis are delivered via room service as well.  *cough*

Hershey Park was great.  I loved the roller coasters.  I will likely be bruised and beat up for a few more days.  We never even made it to chocolate world.  How sad is that?  We were there two nights and it wasn't nearly enough time.

Madi did enjoy Zoo America which is attached to the park.  Was it the best zoo ever?  No, but it was small and cute and the kids liked it.

I guess the only bad part was the price gouging at the park.  $3 for a half a liter of bottled water?  Really?  I did sneak in juice and water.  Well, not sneak per se.  I just didn't ask.  Discretion is the better part of valor.  It's true.  I learned it in a video game.

Gosh, we never made it to the Boardwalk either - the water park.  I think we decided we need at least 3 full days and yes we want to go back next year.  I still have more martinis to taste.  :)

Let's see, in conclusion, the hotel staff were great, the amenities were accessible most of the time (I'm tired) and there were lots of things for the kids to do.  Also a bar.  Just saying.  I didn't find the prices at the hotel outrageous.  I don't know if I could find eggs benedict in town for $12.  Right?  And forget me mixing my OWN martinis.  Although I do have a lot of glasses now.  *cough*

And now for something COMPLETELY different...

I got to steam clean pee AND blood today.  Oh boy.  The excitement never ends. 

Brewster is going to a new boarding place and I needed to trim his claws.  I did a pretty good job but then I thought, maybe I'll try and them a little shorter...  Poor guy.  He didn't seem to be in pain as he ran around the house leaving a bloody trail.  Oh I got the blood stopped.  Out of corn starch so I used flour.  His bed, which wasn't all that great to begin with, is now a bloody floury soup.  whee!  I will get him a new bed, keep your pants on.

Anyway, I called the vet and they said he should be fine by tomorrow.  I thought we were going to have to cancel our vacation.  Our expensive vacation.  Well, expensive for us.

Anyhoo, as I was attempting to tend to the dog, Madi took it upon herself to get naked and give the floor a liberally dowsing of pee.  I guess it's like my auntie said.  My humor is my strength to deal with all of this.  It's like a comedy of horrors.  Did I say horrors?  I meant, yeah. Horrors.

I've been doing this gratitude thing where I list what I feel blessed by because I feel it's very easy to get caught up in being miserable.  Did that make sense?  I'm trying to listen for Madi.  The tell tale swish swish of a diaper being ripped off.

 My point being, I'm not really trolling for sympathy.  I think it's important to remember that as hard as my life may subjectively be, it could be worse and I don't think it's a bad thing to count my blessings.  Especially when I'm up all night with Madi and I need to do something. 

hahahahahahhaahah

In the Weeds

I'm pretty sure I used that title before but I'm sure everyone will forgive me.  So hopefully I'm going back to work in a few weeks.  Madi is absolutely awful at night.  She's inconsolable.  I've taken her to the doctor to rule out anything physical.  It sucks.  Pretty damn hard.

And of course I'm a fantastic worry wart so I imagine all sorts of scenarios where I'm homeless and miserable.  Call it the curse of a child of alcoholics.  I imagine children of other addicts can relate.  Life is constantly dropping bombs on your head so you learn to anticipate all the bombs.  Everywhere.  Always. 

I am trying to let that go but you try being normal when you don't get sleep.  And regardless of sleep you have someone destroying your house everyday. 

I know, I know.  There are likely people fighting worse battles.  I also try to remind myself that I've made it this far.  No one's died on my watch.  Not counting Siamese fighting fish.  Hey he lasted almost 2 years. 

But it's like my depression comes and goes.  I guess it doesn't really matter.  In a few weeks I'll be too busy to worry about stuff.  Provided that I get my job back.  If I don't I'll look for something part-time.  Full-time with Madi is.... Well if she's the honey badger, I'm a fire breathing dragon.

(insert something smart here)

My life is obviously not what I thought it would be.  A bunch of my friends and loved ones (most of them are the same, ha) are going through rough times.  I confessed to someone recently that the tough times I'm going through have actually made me a better person.  I don't mean that I'm a saint or super generous but I'm more me.  I'm more certain of who I am and what I want and what makes me happy. 

I was raised by two unhappy people who lived within some pretty strict parameters of how they thought life should be lived and raised me to be the same way.  I finally understand that we all get to choose how to life our lives.  For better or worse.  That probably sounds obvious to some of you but you can go pound sand.  hahahahaha!

grumble

Let me preface this by saying that Madi hasn't slept through the night in a long time and we're all very tired and cranky.  Especially me. And let me apologize for the sideways videos.  Again.  Unless blogger fixes them....

So Lily is at her last day of pottery class.  Some of you lucky guys are going to get some original artworks!!!  Lucky you!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

My dog is a spoiled brat.  I got him some cans of dog food as a treat and he now goes on hunger strikes until he gets them.  His ribs are sticking out.  He's staring at me right now because I'm eating peanut butter.  Fuck off dog. 

Oh yes I did.

Honestly, it's been so long since I've posted videos on here it has taken me awhile to figure this out.  And I'm not used to my typos not being corrected.  It's sad when using a computer feels like a step backwards. 

I'm old enough, though obviously still very pretty, to remember when PCs were first coming out.  I had a Texas Instrument when I was a kid.  Actually, back in the day we loaded games on to our PCs via cassette tapes.  Remember that folks?!  I can still make the noises.  It would take 30 minutes to load and you'd better cross your fingers it worked or you'd have to start from scratch. 

Anyway, that was fun.  I keep on touching the lap top screen to make my selections and yell when I realize what I'm doing.  Good times.

So I took Madi to the doctor yesterday.  She's been waking up screaming.  We can't see anything wrong.  She was pushing the doctor out of the way so she could move a chair over to look at herself in the mirror.  Dr Smyth was on a chair with wheels so Madi rolled her around.  It was so funny.  Madi is determined.  Anyway, I'm glad that Dr S understands where I'm coming from.  I struggle through most of my days.  I'm SO exhausted.  Yesterday I kept on patting my legs to make sure I had clothes on because my brain just couldn't tell anymore.  So I think I said something like, Madi doesn't sleep and I'm exhausted, and she said something like, yeah and you're too tired to set up a schedule for her.  Yes, thank you.  I have to spell that out to some professionals.  "She needs more structure."  Yeah, and she'd freaking get it if I didn't feel like I was about to pass out 90% of the time. 

I'm hoping that going back to school will help.  If not, Red Bull?

I know!

A very long time ago when I worked at the bookstore, I was hanging out with my friend Elle and this two college girls came in.  One was telling the other a story and before she finished the second one belted out "I know!"  This sort of became our thing for a while.  "I need to go to the bathr..." "I KNOW!"  It made for minutes of fun.  So for some reason that just popped in my head.  If you're ever around me and I yell "I KNOW!" before you've finished talking, now you know.  It kind of loses it's fun when I don't just seem like a crazy person.

Or maybe I still have that locked down.

So anyway, I am on my new to me laptop.  Pedro has become Mr eBay.  He's sold tons of stuff and is quite the whatever you call someone who's really good at something.  I'm still tired.

I'm watching Madi and you cannot turn your back on that girl and I'll be damned if I'm going to try and update a blog on my phone.  So short story long, Pedro got the laptop for me. 

I've been taking Madi to a behaviorist again.  You know, she WAS sleeping through the night for almost four weeks.  We started giving her a new med.  She hasn't slept through the night since June 12th.  I know that because that was when we dropped Lily off at her grandma's house for two weeks.  It's been GRUELING.

Our sleep schedule is so screwed up.  Because Madi isn't sleeping, I tend to fall back asleep later in the morning with her so sometimes I sleep in until ten.  Gee Sonia, you need sleep and you're getting it.  But I feel like I'm wasting my day.  I have a ton of things I wanted to get done this summer.  Oh well.

So anyway her behavior guy is helping unlock what motivates her.  She doesn't learn like other kids and it's frustrating at times.  You know?  I have found it very beneficial.  I want her to get the most out of school so I'm trying to fix some of her problem behaviors and try to get her potty trained.  But it means that I have to get up before ten......

This day.... This #*$@* day.

Let me preface this by saying that Madi did not sleep well last night.  I rescued Pedro around 2 or so by going in and sleeping with her.  She hasn't been sleeping well at all.  We've taken her to the doctor and she checks out fine.  In my experience, she has these episodes when she's processing and learning.  She'll wake up and yell things.  "Butterfly!"  Snore.  Who knows what goes on in that little head.

So Madi and I stayed home today (and Lily) because she didn't sleep well the night before and I thought, jeez, this chick needs SOME rest.  (side note, I have no idea what day it is)  Long story sort of short, she pooped in the living room while I was on the computer.  I swear it was less than 5 minutes.  I guess it was lucky that Lily was home because she watched her sister in the shower while I cleaned up the mess. 

So that disaster was managed.  But then the little hootenanny takes off her diaper and pees on the sofa, five minutes after her shower.  Don't kids pee in the bath anymore????

I clean that up and Pedro comes home.  I'm trying to cook dinner and Pedro catches her peeing in the bedroom.  Seriously????  So we get that taken care of.  Then Lily calls me, I'm STILL cooking (I wasn't taking long, Madi was just on fire) and Madi is peeing in the living room.  Who has that much pee????  Which reminds me, I have a lot of laundry to do. 

We eat dinner and I enjoy some Ben & Jerry's.  While I'm sitting there I get a text from Madi's bus driver and two more stops have been added to the route and Madi will now need to be picked up at 6:30. 

That means she'll spend 90 minutes on the bus.  She's four.  And she's special needs.  Really?  So I will now be driving her to school.  The bus ride home isn't as long.  Two and a half weeks of school left.  My mind is a little bit boggled. 

Also, is the universe trying to kill me?  I don't think I can take much more. 

Got Your Goat

RAWRRRRR

I haven't been on my computer in a while.  Someone either hogs it or makes it impossible to get to.  Well, I summoned my internal claymore tosser and cleared shit up fast.  Oh yes I did!

Anyway, then I struggled with my phone so I only have a minute before I need to run to work.

Catching tadpoles!

My boyfriend.  No seriously, he hid from everyone else. 

Sweet thing had a bad back.  But I managed to sweet talk to come over and say hi.

Making a nest.

And probably their favorite part of the day...

So the fieldtrip was fun.  Madi hasn't been sleeping well so I driving over 3 hours round trip was a bit of a nightmare.  Onto my favorite story:

I brought some cash with me because those places operate on revenue and I figured there would be feed or something to buy.  And I was right.  Because I'm awesome.  Shit and I need to leave in 5 minutes.

Okay, so me and my peeps (Lily and Taylor) were going to get goat food because I scrounged up some quarters.  Well, poop as soon as we got to the goat pen, ten other kids showed up.  Does that always happen?  So I get Lily and Taylor sorted but there's this sort of pesky kid.  Can't I give her a quarter, she wants some food.  So I turn and gesture grandly at the hundreds of people still eating lunch behind us and I say "Do you see all those people?  Go hit them up".  OH YES I DID.  There was a dad there and I thought he was going to hurt himself laughing at me.  Anyway, so I still wanted to feed the goats and if there weren't five of those little ankle biters trying to jones in on my goat food.  I think I said something like "hey, hold up! that's my food!  Mamma wants to feed a goat."  Said dad was dying of laughter. 

I drove 150 miles yesterday?  Something like that.  I wanted to feed a damn goat.  The small ones have the tickliest mouths.  :)  Totally worth taking on a gang of first graders.  :)  There's probably a reason I don't get invited on many field trips. 

Sigh

So it's normal not to know what the hell you're doing with your life?  I've been so stressed again lately.  I'm trying to think of everything bad that's happened to me this year.  It's kind of a lot.  And not that making a list is going to help me but I want to illustrate just how badly 2014 has sucked for me. 

Suffice it to say, I'm missing out on work again to wait and see my doc first thing this morning.  My nose has been itchy for days.  And it's that numb tingling that I know from shingles.  What makes that really interesting, is that I'm taking acyclovir because there's STILL inflammation in my eye from the first time that I got shingles.  My vision in that eye has gone from 20/25 last year to 20/60 this year.  Oh yeah. So, we've upped my meds and that includes acyclovir.  It's kind of creepy. 

Let's not forget that I hit a deer a few weeks ago.  Pulled a muscle so I haven't been to the gym in a week.  I feel like I have gremlins.  My phone fell out of my pocket, landed right in front of my foot and i kicked it 20 feet across the parking lot.  The protective case burst off of it so the back of my phone is scratched.  The only good part was that the plastic film was still on the camera lens so that's not ruined.

Really.

What the fuck is going on in my life.  And I'm stressed about Madi.  I can't take her syndrome in stride like some people do.  I'm so, very glad that she's healthy.  But I feel like I can't take the unknown parts.  I know that people who have "normal" kids have stuff they need to deal with too, you can never count on life turning out how you expect it.  There are a lot of things that can go wrong for everyone. 

I keep on pushing myself to work even though I'm more tired then I ever thought I could be, because I like my job, I like where I work and they've been flexible with the NUMEROUS days I've had to take off because school has been closed due to snow.  Or the threat of snow.  Let's not go there.

And, shit, I still need to pay for my tooth.  I have money for the implant, but I'm trying to save money for the crown.  Our dental insurance only really covers the preventative stuff.  Not getting that tooth means that my teeth are going to move around more and I'm going to have more problems then I already do so, yes, I will fork out close to $5000 to get this damn bloody tooth.

Are people getting where I'm coming from?  Yes, I'm grateful that I have the money or the ability to get the money to get this done.  But I hate this struggling feeling.  I know, I'm not alone.  I'm just trying to figure things out now, so that if something really bad happens, like Pedro or I can't work, I'll have back up in place.  But Madi was denied for a waiver.  So I'm trying to gather more information and decide on the next step.  if I'm going to work this summer, during the day, she needs care that's a few steps above regular day care and if I pay a nanny, then all of my money is going into childcare. 

At that point, it's not worth working.  So I don't know what to do.  And I'm still struggling to make sense of the situation I'm in.  I know I stress and worry.  Bad things happen when you least expect them, so I expect them all the time so they can't happen.  See?  You can tell how well that's working out for me. 

Anyhoodles, I need to get ready to see the doc and hope that I'm not getting shingles.  Boo.

So yeah...

Am I too young for a mid life crisis?  I never had to question life too much before and now I'm always questioning it.  Or maybe I did wonder about some stuff but not as hard as I do now?  I don't know. 

So here's my thing.  I called the housing crisis and the start of the recession.  I mean, I didn't say, hey there's going to be a recession, but I kept on asking every one I knew, how are people affording these $400,000 houses?  That's and executive priced house and most people I know are not executives!  And then boom, turns out people really couldn't afford them and ta da, the situation we're in today.

So I try and use my so-called reasoning skills now, trying to figure out the best way to use the rest of the life that I have left to maximize my earnings and protect my family as much as I can from any disasters.  No, I'm not building a bubble around my house.  But I keep a stockpile of water.  I'd like a weeks' worth of non-perishable food.  I guess some people might scoff but if there's a big earthquake or hurricane, shit can go south very quickly. 

Anyway, so here's what I see, gather around kiddies.  I see an economy still struggling.  I see a lot of empty stores and yet new buildings going up.  That tells me, there isn't the money for new businesses, not good, and that the local chamber of commerce is more concerned about collecting money from issuing building permits than working on developing business.  Seriously, go to Zion's Crossroads and look at the Louisa County side (Walmart, Lowes, multiple restaurants and gas stations), then look at Fluvanna's side - crickets.  No seriously, there's a big field, I'll bet it's full of crickets.  Oh and there are also still a lot of empty houses.  What does that tell me?  My property value is likely to go down.  The number on your property assessment is just a number it's not what people will pay in the real world.

Where does that take us from there?

Well, if people are losing value in their homes, that means their retirement plans could be in jeopardy.  Which means they could work longer, which could affect some of us waiting for the baby boomers to retire already. 

Geez there are so many variables, it's easy to get sidetracked.  Anyway, I guess it's batten down the hatches and ride it out.  Sigh.  And Lily just came in here to explain her Littlest Pet Shop game to me and well, there's no escaping.

Wake me Up

For some reason I have that Avicii song in my head.  Well, okay, it still gets a lot of radio play.  Whatever. 

This is the first time I've been on my computer in weeks and I had to move a lot of Pedro's junk off my desk so I could get to it.  grrrr  Anyway, I put Madi on the bus and I'm keeping Lily home.  It seems like her bronchitis is back with a vengeance. 

So yeah, listening to her cough most of the night.  mmmm Coffee.

Anyway, I've been seriously worried about losing my job.  I know I'm a temp and I could be let go and any time.  Obviously, I can't control the snow or sick kids, but still, my first 40 hour week of the year was LAST WEEK.  It's like I cannot physically be there for 40 hours.  Something always comes up. 

So I keep on plugging away and doing what I can because I'd rather make some money than no money. 

But I'm tired, and stressed.  I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life.  I know I've said this before.  In Vancouver, I was set for life.  But I wasn't really living.  If you could call living by the beach and going out all the time not living.  Cough.  I kid.  I hated the building I lived in.  I could hear my neighbors going pee.  I was tired and stressed.

Sound familiar?

Anyway, at least I could nap.  And get drunk.  Cough.

Anyway.  Sometimes it feels like everyone else has life figured out, except for me.  I know that's not true.  It's like I'm looking for that one solution. That one job, or one something.  Madi obviously requires a lot more foresight and planning than her sister.  I can make do without a lot.  I can hear some of you scoffing and if you've seen my Wall of Purses, I can understand why.  But when I lived in Australia I had everything I needed in my rucksack (which included coffee) and I was happy.  But now I have a child who will need care her whole life.  I can't carry her in my rucksack.

We did have a good IEP meeting yesterday.  Her PT has pretty much been dropped.  I was surprised they were still doing it.  Remember when she started school she had those little ankle supports because she was having so much trouble walking.  Now she climbs like a mountain goat and can certainly run faster than I can so I had no problems with no PT.  

However, it was still hard seeing her limitations in black and white.  She's improving, don't get me wrong.  But it's still hard.  She'll be five in June but she operates on a 2 year old level.  Again, she's still moving forward and improvement, no matter how slow, is great.  It's just hard confronting it like that.  I see what she can do and I'm happy for her and like it when she cracks her jokes on us.  I don't see her as "slow" although I know she is.

Gross Story Alert

She's been pooping in the tub a lot this week.  I know, we think it's gross too.  So after fussing at her and telling her it goes in the potty, she put a big lump out in the hallway for us, last night.  Tell me that kid doesn't know what she's doing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcrbM1l_BoI

Worry

So, I have a lot of my plate.  I did finally get my passport application off, which was a job in itself.  But that's another post. 

I keep arguing in my head about how to proceed so here it is in bullet points:

- worry about Madi and her future
- worry about providing for family if something happens to Pedro
- worry about losing my job because of all the time I miss related to the kids, ie school closings, illness
- worry about the economy in general
- worry about how to help Lily get the most out of her life
- worry about getting enough sleep because I feel like that will NEVER happen again
- ummm

I feel like there's more but it's hard to seperate the "real" worries from the ones I don't really know about.

Hello, English.  What I mean is, let's say something happens to Pedro and I need to work and get insurance, etc.  That would be stressful.  The economy and the state of it is something I can't know by myself, I just hear about it through the media.  Is it as bad as they say?  Who's measuring this stuff?  Is the media more likely to tell bad stories to get more attention?

I don't know but it's the kind of stuff likely to keep me up at night.

The whole point of me going back to work and being tired and stressed was to make money to put into savings and help out with Madi down the road.  Maybe Lily but she's smart so she'll figure that out.  ha!  But I've missed so many days due to school closings for snow, it's been ridiculous.  And I know I'm at a great place where they, hopefully, don't penalize me when I'm not there.  I wouldn't be so lucky at a lot of other places.  I don't know what I'm trying to say... I'm lucky but I don't want to abuse it, and I'm not, but shoot, companies hire people to work there, not sit at home on snow days.

O.o

So I haven't been making the money I set out to make, I'm stressed about losing my job, frustrated that my plans aren't working out like I had hoped oh and Lily had a great riding lesson so she wants to ride again.  After SOBBING about not wanting to ride.  Really, we had two lessons where we just walked the pony/horse around because she refused to ride. 

O.o

Anyway, my point is.  ARGH!  So there, now I'm off to take Madi to the dentist.  (insert maniacal laughter here)

Gung fat choy thing

Happy Chinese New Year!  I had some chinese food for dinner and now I'm puffy.

What?

So life goes on and on.  Finally back at work after being out a week due to snow/school closings and the holiday.  I have a dream too and it involves a paycheck.

Oh no she didn't!

Madi has been doing really well and yet becoming more of a pain in the ass.  She's talking a lot and asks for things, as long as those things are cheese or juice.  Hey, it's a start.  I got her a Brobee doll, because she says his name when she sees him on Yo Gabba Gabba.  I was at Toys R Us with Lily and turned around and he was staring at me.  It was amazing. 

She pretends not to notice him but when we're not watching she runs off with him to other rooms and has her way with him.  He's about her size.  And hey, it gives me a break. 

No, I'm not kidding,

Gosh I had a million things to write about and I have five minutes and I can't think of anything... I'm not getting braces.  Orthodontist said there's no need: waste of time and money.  I  know, I was shocked too.  He's a cool guy, will likely take Lily there when she needs braces.

What else?  We're celebrating Pedro's birthday tomorrow.  Yay!  He's 41, or something.  Anyhoo, pooped out from the gym, must drink moscato....