SIGH

I'm sure most of us know about Robin Williams by now.  My brain just cannot process it.  He was larger than life.  I read an interesting article on comedians and depression.  You can google it.  I understand that part of it.  I guess my shock comes from the fact that he was so successful he had access to help that most of us can't afford.  I understand that depression doesn't care how much you have in your bank account.  But that's what I stress about so I can't imagine being so smart, successful and wealthy and still feel so broken.  

I do grieve for him.  That such a bright star has gone still.  I guess that's a cliche.  Sorry my laptop won't let me do accent marks.  It's just so hard to imagine that someone who had accomplished so much took his own life.  Shit, I could come up with a long list of people who would make the world a better place if they were no longer in it.  But Robin Williams?  Gah.

So anyway, back to my crappy life.  Ahhh I'm sorry.  I know I have a lot to be grateful for and I AM grateful for it.  I read another blog this morning about a mom who posted a picture of her kitchen and "advice" flooded in about how she should fix it up.  And it made her feel bad like she needed to update and fix it.  Then she had a moment of clarity.  Anyway, I won't go on and on about it but I realize that I am privileged in a lot of ways. 

I'm trying to stay hopeful for Madi.  And me.  lol  I don't know if she'll ever sleep without medication.  She doesn't sleep with medication!  ha  But anyway, the point I'm trying to make is... I often get depressed thinking about the future with Madi.  And I know it's not just being bummed out from a lack of sleep, tho I'm sure that contributes to it.  I need to get her new clothes and I feel like I don't even know how to do that.  I mean, really.  I've been shopping since I was how old?  But I feel like I won't get the right stuff, or don't know what to get.  That kind of screwed up thinking lets me know that something isn't right.  Thankfully, I have this other voice in my head that says are you kidding?  What the hell do you think Amazon is for??  But it's a struggle.  Every day is a struggle.  And I feel guilty, which makes me feel worse, because I do have so much to be thankful for.  See how that works?

Anyway, life goes on.  In one form or another.  Do your best.  Take each day at a time.  Love others and make sure to love yourself too.  And coffee.  :)