Well, hmpf

Okay, I have this recent obsession with furs.  I'm not really sure what sparked it although I think I can lay the blame on the show Mob Wives.  Anyhoo, I didn't want to spend a ton of money right off the bat when I don't know what I like or what I'm doing.  I didn't know a blush mink from a Norwegian fox.  I tell you what.  So, to start small, I ordered a coyote fling and a knit mink scarf.

Don't buy knit furs.  They kind of suck.  It's pretty but it's lower quality so the mesh that the fur is pulled through is scratchy.  Who wants that?  I could wear wool for that.  Jeesh.  So, here is my coyote. It's humongous and kind of silly but I love it.  It's not the greatest quality, the fur is kind of lumpy here and there but it's fuzzy and furry and I love it.  So does the dog but we won't go there.

Now, it's fall in Virginia which means quite cool mornings with temperate afternoons.  And I mean, COLD mornings.  So I've started wearing Mr Coyote out when I have errands.  Such as taking Madilyn back to school after an appointment.

I feel like some background is required.  My mom had an old silver fox stole that she let me play with, and I had a rabbit fur jacket.  My fifth grade teacher, Mrs Shields wore, upon occasion, a small mink stole to class.

They are not that out of place to me.  So cue me entering the school.

I swear.  No one knew where to look, it's like they couldn't meet my eyes.  I think I caused a few classes just to stop and gawk at me.  Shouts of "it's a bear!" echoed around the halls.  A few people were genuinely curious and asked what it was and if they could touch it.  Of course!  It's fur.  It's meant to be fun. * I won't go too much into detail about some conversations but apparently my $170 coyote stole means I'm super rich.  Um, no.

So, Wal-mart jeans aside (which I was wearing, incidentally) when I left the school I heard one of the coaches say "oooh la la" then I heard telling the kids it was a stole.  I think that's when I fled in the car.

Really?  This is Virginia.  Home to the NRA and lots of hunters.  It's THAT weird to wear, an admittedly cheap, fur?  I wasn't strolling down the hall in $20,000 worth of mink.  But I would if I could!  ha.  Just kidding.  No I'm not.  What?

Full disclosure: I am on my second glass of wine.

Am I going back and doing it again?  Hell. Yes.

* This is coyote.  A killer of cats and dogs and farm animals and I have no problem wearing it.

Ugh

We had another bad night with Madi.  Well, maybe bad isn't the word.  I think they went to bed around 9 and she was up at 4:30.  UP.  Pedro had to go to work so I was stuck with her.  Oh yeah, I said stuck with.

I knew, KNEW, she'd fall asleep around the time that the alarm would go off and she didn't disappoint me there.  She has a behavioral therapy appointment today.  Which is fine but it kind of screws up my day.  I know, I'm a sucky mom.  I don't live for their enjoyment.  Or something.  And I don't know if Melatonin is working so well.  I remember before I had kids, thinking that I'd NEVER pump them full of drugs just to make my life easier.  What drug are we on now?  We're a family and we have to function.  We all need sleep, even little poopie head. 

I want to go back to work.  Yes, I'd like some autonomy or whatever that word means (I've been up since 4:30 ho bags) but I also want to be able to take care of the family in case something happens to Pedro.  And how can two incomes be bad?  I know, I know.  Not if it something or other the family.  Look, Lily is tired of this crap and so am I.  It's like we're stuck in a rut.  So let's git this wagon down the road. 

I think I start work next week.  Not really sure.  I have been offered a job.  But they are still doing the background check.  weeeee!  Anyway, I could crash and burn or it could work out.  Just don't know.  But I'm tired of not trying things because of all the things that COULD go wrong. 

My other motto this year:  Do your best.  That's all I can do.  (Other motto: Let it go) 

I should write a book or some crap.

Alright, time to get to therapy!

Whoops

So, hunger and caffeine don't go together.  After making oatmeal for the second time (thanks oatmeal volcano in my microwave) I'm calming down a bit. 

I think that having a special needs kid can be stressful.  There are huge degrees of how a child's development can be affected.  And I would never compare them to each other.  Madi has a genetic deletion.  There's no getting around that.  But with therapy and school, she's gaining ground. 

My goal is to live the best life that I can with what I've got.  And what that means to me is, fixing what isn't working and letting the shit go that I can't control.  Neither of which is easy, by the way.

There isn't enough room in the kind sized bed for two kids and an adult anymore.  We need to move on that bunk bed quickly.  And we've been out to look at some but there's never exactly what we want or it's so expensive.  Pedro has things he's concerned about, I have mine.  But if life is going to get better, we need to move on that. 

I'm working on getting Madi that waiver.  I want to get both girls in a daycare.  It's doable, I just need to breathe and take one step at a time.  I think step #1 is nap. 

What?

O.M.G.

Breathe in, breathe out....

Holy smokes.  So Madi's teacher told me about this waiver you can get for your special needs child.  It helps cover expenses for equipment or respite care you may need while caring for them.

FOR THE LOVE OF APPLE PIE COULD THEY MAKE IT ANY HARDER????

Holy crap. 

Anyway, so I have called someone for the THIRD time.  He talks like Alvin the Chipmunk on crack.  After two calls I finally have his name right.  Okay, just the first one, but we're getting there. 

So this whole thing is stressful and makes my tummy feel funny.  I just want the waiver form so I can print it out and start on my quest for obscure doctor's notes and test results.  I don't want to have to read what other stuff you qualify for.  It's hard enough acknowledging the depth of her needs without considering how much worse it could gett.

I'm glad there are procedures in place (however shakily they may be implemented) that help with older caregivers.  Will I be able to handle a Madi tantrum when I'm 60?  I'd better keep on lifting weights.  Where will she live if she can't live with us?

Now, I know I drive myself into a tizzy.  Forest, trees, etc.  She's been talking a lot and I'm hoping it continues.  However, I think it's prudent to consider the what ifs so I'm prepared.  I have this driving concern about money.  It's not going to fix her but having it will go a lot longer to help with her care than having none.  Was that even English?  My stomach is still doing flips from those websites I had to comb through. 

Anyhoo, my damn point is that I want to go back to work.  I'm even willing to go back to school.  I want a good higher paying job that is flexible enough so I can deal with sick kids or staff days or whatever.  The reality is that none of us are getting younger.  I have some physical issues.  Pedro has his.  Madi is getting older and stronger. 

You know what I'm getting at.

Anyway, I think I need some bourbon in my next coffee.  Mercy.  For the longest time, I didn't want to go back to work simply because of trying to deal with all of these issues.  It's so much.  But, Madi is older and hopefully her development continues at a steady pace.  I'm trying to just be positive.  Whew.

I feel like going back to bed. 

The High Road

It sure ain't all it's cracked up to be.  I've worked really hard on making myself a better person.  And I don't mean better outwardly (although, I am cute) but being a happier, mentally healthier person.  So I can enjoy life and my family better.

This, of course, means that I've changed.  I don't think in huge ways, but I'm less likely to tolerate negativity, from myself or others, and therefore some relationships have become strained.  I have tried to make these work but the longer time goes on the worse it gets.

It's hard, isn't it?  Letting go.  But I've battled low self esteem for too long to slide back into unhealthy partnerships.  If I was being completely honest, part of me wants to scream fuck off!  But I'm trying to be mature and end things on a good note.

So far, this doesn't seem to be happening.  And it's funny, that I was talking to the behaviorist and he basically said the Kung Fu Panda thing "one often meets one's destiny on the path they take to avoid it".  (we were discussing something about Madi) No matter how hard I try to avoid this, it's coming.  No matter how hard I try to do the right thing, in my mind, it just is not working. 

Have you ever let yourself be hurt so that you don't hurt others and it just blows up in your face?  I've been like that for about a year.  I must have a masochistic streak that I didn't know about.  Anyway, I'm trying to do one more thing, just one more.  I'm trying to think of a literary equivalent.  The Old Man and the Sea?  (shut up) I will reel that damn fish in.  No.  This is about letting go. 

And I'm not really being hurt by this person because I see the negativity they are coming from.  I'm certainly tired of it.  People grow apart.  Some are willing to let go and move on and others are not. 

And this year has been about letting go....  Peace.

So...

I just had a peanut butter/nutella sandwich.  I think I managed to find the one combination that doesn't go together.  My stomach is making warning sounds.  I guess no gym for me!  Just kidding.  If I have to put up with old people smells, they can handle my rough morning.

What?

Crazy week ahead.  I tried vacuuming Saturday morning and the roller brush wouldn't move.  Every single damn vacuum I have ever had was easy enough to get apart so you could see if the band that turns the brush was broken or what.  Not this vacuum.  We loved it because it was a leaner build and easier to operate with great suction.  The screws were recessed and even when they were all out the damn thing wouldn't open.  I went all Hulk on it and uh, kind of broke it.  I guess it was the kind that you have to send out for servicing.  Well, screw that.

So vacuum shopping.  Fun or what?  Ugh.  PB Nutella burp.  oof

I also need to get something for Lily's class's basket that they auction off at the fall festival.  I have donated chocolate for Madi's class but keep on getting notes that they need more.  Tough crap if they ate it all.

I mean.  Whatever.

So I want to get some fuzzy dice for Lily's class but I just keep on forgetting.  Argh.  I also volunteered to man a both.  Was I high?  Good grief.  Crap.  And I have to help a friend print out some flyers and stuff for her booth since her printer isn't working.  Not that hard just need to remember.

Tomorrow, we see the behavioralist.  Wednesday, I get my next tattoo and it's going to take three hours.  However, it's going to be awesome and I'm very excited.  Thursday, I think I have free, but I'll probably be baking for Saturday's festival.  Friday, I want to go up to Orange with my friend Mandy to talk to a lady that owns her own coffee drive thru.  I think that with all of the demands on my time, having my own business isn't such a bad idea.  But I'm just getting ideas.  I could be open 6 til noon. Come home, grab a nap and be ready for the girls.  Just an idea.  :)

So yeah, I'm trying to chill on my future planning because I am in a tizzy.  I've done some soul searching and decided that I really need and sort of want, to place my family first in my life.  We're going to know each other for a long time, hopefully, so let's make it as good as we can.  :)

GAH!

I'm so tired but I promised myself that I would write in the blog today.

So, yesterday or today, who knows, Madi was playing with an empty toilet paper roll.  I took it from her and showed her how you could peek through it and look at things.  She got the idea right away and had fun snooping at me.

Later, I try to feed her and pop a Fruit Loop in her mouth.  She takes it out, sees it's a circle and holds it up to her eye.  She can't see through it so I hear, clear as a bell, "bull shit".

If that doesn't prove she's my grandma reincarnated, I don't know what will. 

She's doing well.  Not at her age level, but learning new words and really grasping them.  We got up to 17 today before she cheated.  Counting, I mean.  So there's a slow but progressive development and that's what's most important. 

For me?  Well, I have a busy week.  Work might not start til October, which is fine because now Pedro has some training that goes til 5.  *eyeroll*

Not his fault, just how life is. 

Anyway, I would like a permanent part-time job.  But money is also fun, so we'll see how this job goes and keep on looking for the next.  I'm still in shock over how my life has just taken off.  It's fun.  :)

Peace!