Aaaannnnndddd GO!

Crap.  I only have a few minutes while Madi is in the shower.  I haven't had ANY time to myself.  Well, that's not totally true.  I do drive 30 minutes each way to and from work and that's by myself. 

Yay!

Then I get to go to the bathroom by myself. 

Yay!

How am I doing?  Okay.  Yes I'm stressed and I yell a bit but I've worked two weeks for the first time in seven years and it's Lily's birthday week. 

And we have a giant hole in the hall bathroom wall.

And we've ordered a new bunk bed for Lily.

And I had to go shopping after work for mattresses (coolest mattress salesperson ever, she made it fun)

And I had my tattoo finished.  Okay, that one was for me.  But still I didn't get home until 7:30.

I am worn out!  So yes, I bicker and snip a bit.  You don't get paid your first week, it has to process.  So today, after two weeks of working I got paid!  Sweet fancy moses, did THAT feel good!

I forgot what my point was.  Lily is seven, I took her and her sister to school with a butt load of cupcakes (not really carried in my butt) then made it to work.  Then worked all day, picked up some Chinese food for dinner and I'm resting a bit while I clean up the house for company tomorrow. 

Whee mother fucking doggies.

Do I feel bad that I"m not home anymore?  Not really.  I miss the me time but Pedro gets home before them so he gets a little time, then he watches them and makes dinner.  It's like they get more of their dad?  Which isn't a bad thing.  This has been a chaotic time.  I'm looking forward to how things feel once work feels more natural and there are no more holes in walls.  :)

I hear Madi tearing around so I'd better get back to it.  Peace!

New Normal?

So today was my first day of work in seven years. Yes, being a mom is very busy, but no one cares if you do the laundry at 2am or 2pm. So this took some planning and preparedness. Pedro leaves early and gets home early to get the girls off the bus. Tonight he started dinner. Well, made dinner.

I guess I should give myself a pat on the back for planning things and/or consider the fact that I didn't work until 930. Getting there by 9 tomorrow should be different.

Am I making sense? I'm a little distracted. Lunches are ready for tomorrow and coffee is prepped. Whee doggies.

So this whole employment thing is an ego boost I needed. Yes, I could go out find a job, organize my life and make it there on time. Yes I know, kids will be sick and there will be appointments we have to make. But, for the most part, I did it. I'm extremely proud of myself. It's intimidating after so many years off.

This is the first step in my goal to take over the universe. :)

That's not my name...

Don't call me the maid.  I hate that.  I just spent 2 hours, TWO HOURS, vacuuming and steam cleaning the carpets.  Yes, they needed it.  Why did I do this?  Because Pedro and the girls are in Yorktown and I can do this stuff without being interrupted or yelled at (Madi).  Okay, Brewster brought me a lot of things.  When I don't have a roll of toilet paper in the bathroom I'll know who to thank.

So, holy crap, I have a night/day to myself.  What did I do?  Laundry, dishes, carpets.  I just felt too guilty sitting down and doing nothing.  Don't get me wrong, I was catching up on Supernatural on Netflix.  But I paused it and cleaned up.  I couldn't do nothing when the opportunity to do SOMETHING was there.  Madi doesn't like it when she can't get to me.  So she throws fits when I hang up clothes in Lily's room, or put dishes away in the kitchen.

We are working on this but in the meantime, it's a pain in the ass.

Ahhh Benny from Supernatural.  Okay, I can continue.

I get that other people have to clean their houses.  Some may get more or less help than me.  I think in the past I've wished not to do this or grumbled about waiting for when this ends.  But let's be honest.  It's not going to end.  I know, I was shocked too.  My new thing is instead of wasting time complaining, let's fix this shit.  I was thinking about a chart to make Lily so that she can earn an allowance.  If it's too hard for her to keep her room clean, then she needs more drawers and/or less stuff.  Let's do it.

I wish I hadn't got Brewster, because he does add to my workload.  And no, I'm not hanging his ass outside to live.  We don't roll like that.  He's a member of the family or he's not.  And he's curled up beside me on the floor so it's not like he has it really bad.  :)  Really badly?  I need to go back to school.

Anyhoo, I did sleep nine hours.  Nine freaking hours!  It was incredible.  I find, though, when I get sleep I'm more aware of how tired and sore I really am.  When I'm operating on a skeleton crew of neurons, which is most of the time, most of my resources are focused on keeping me moving.  Does that make sense? 

I'm feeling very productive because I'm updating the blog while I'm on hold for US Cellular.  ha!

I do feel overwhelmed a lot of the time.  There's so much to do.  The trim in the hall needs another layer of paint.  I need to clean the dog stink off of the wall (he rubs on it and discolors it?).  OMG I just looked ahead at the mess of my desk.  LOL  Forget I said anything.  Good grief.

However

I do want to say that I'm grateful for the situation that I'm in.  I do have a husband that helps out, a home and two relatively healthy kids.  I can sleep during the day if I want to.

It sucks that everything seems to be happening at once, but that seems pretty normal, right?  Also, I've had two cups of coffee so I'm on that caffeine upswing: everything is possible!!! (with cream and sugar)

I am glad for that nap even if it made me feel how tired I am.  I think I was trying to push myself and see what it would be like to not get sleep and push through my day but likely I'll find that out without practicing for it so I'll grab my sleep while I can.

Alright, time to pull up stakes.  Wagons, ho!  (at the garden, nobody freak out)

Is it raining or pouring?

I got my new, NEW start date for next Monday, the 7th of October.  I'm glad and not.  Glad because I needed that three hour nap that I just had.  Not so because I busted my hump trying to get everything done before my old new start date. 

Do other parents find it hard to draw the line between the self and obligations?  I have so much on my plate right now that there's really no time to be sleeping.  Hall bathroom wall has a big hole in it, the floor is ripped up (obviously, trying to dry it out and find the leak)  The kitchen is in serious need of an update and more storage; almost every homework packet Lily has brought home we have lost.  At least once.  I think I need to break down my garden.  It's become increasingly obvious that I can't keep that garden up and work so I need to clear it and get my stuff out.  Of which, there is a lot.

What else?  Well the whole Madi sleep thing.  We stopped trazodone in the summer because of her behavioral issues and now she uses melatonin but her system doesn't always cooperate with that either.  Pedro is sick so I've tried to let him heal up with sleep. 

:exhale:

So there's a lot going on.  I'm sure I've forgotten... oh yeah, my passport expires in 5 months, trying to do that paperwork too.  Snort. 

As far as I can tell, this has been a year of me learning to say no.  I love helping people.  Some of you who know me are probably rolling your eyes thinking, "I'm pretty sure I've heard her tell panhandlers to F off".  Well, I don't like supporting people's habits.  So there. 

That was a tangent.

Anyhoo, I hold doors open for people, wait for nincompoops to cross in a crosswalk, offer to help people carrying things.  It doesn't hurt me, as a rule, and everyone wins.  Right?

But I do this to the detriment of my own life and the people close to me.  I had to take an honest look at everything and realize, holy shit, I don't have time now to do everything, why am I trying to do more?  So I've started pulling back.  And I felt so guilty for sleeping this morning, but had to reassure myself that I need rest too. 

This a fairly rambling post.  I think my sort of point is that OMG there's a lot to do.  Doing my best (motto!) and trying to do right by the people who really need me (family!) and trying to live each day as fully as I can (cuz you just never know).

Peace, motha truckas!