In the Weeds

I'm pretty sure I used that title before but I'm sure everyone will forgive me.  So hopefully I'm going back to work in a few weeks.  Madi is absolutely awful at night.  She's inconsolable.  I've taken her to the doctor to rule out anything physical.  It sucks.  Pretty damn hard.

And of course I'm a fantastic worry wart so I imagine all sorts of scenarios where I'm homeless and miserable.  Call it the curse of a child of alcoholics.  I imagine children of other addicts can relate.  Life is constantly dropping bombs on your head so you learn to anticipate all the bombs.  Everywhere.  Always. 

I am trying to let that go but you try being normal when you don't get sleep.  And regardless of sleep you have someone destroying your house everyday. 

I know, I know.  There are likely people fighting worse battles.  I also try to remind myself that I've made it this far.  No one's died on my watch.  Not counting Siamese fighting fish.  Hey he lasted almost 2 years. 

But it's like my depression comes and goes.  I guess it doesn't really matter.  In a few weeks I'll be too busy to worry about stuff.  Provided that I get my job back.  If I don't I'll look for something part-time.  Full-time with Madi is.... Well if she's the honey badger, I'm a fire breathing dragon.

(insert something smart here)

My life is obviously not what I thought it would be.  A bunch of my friends and loved ones (most of them are the same, ha) are going through rough times.  I confessed to someone recently that the tough times I'm going through have actually made me a better person.  I don't mean that I'm a saint or super generous but I'm more me.  I'm more certain of who I am and what I want and what makes me happy. 

I was raised by two unhappy people who lived within some pretty strict parameters of how they thought life should be lived and raised me to be the same way.  I finally understand that we all get to choose how to life our lives.  For better or worse.  That probably sounds obvious to some of you but you can go pound sand.  hahahahaha!

grumble

Let me preface this by saying that Madi hasn't slept through the night in a long time and we're all very tired and cranky.  Especially me. And let me apologize for the sideways videos.  Again.  Unless blogger fixes them....

So Lily is at her last day of pottery class.  Some of you lucky guys are going to get some original artworks!!!  Lucky you!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

My dog is a spoiled brat.  I got him some cans of dog food as a treat and he now goes on hunger strikes until he gets them.  His ribs are sticking out.  He's staring at me right now because I'm eating peanut butter.  Fuck off dog. 

Oh yes I did.

Honestly, it's been so long since I've posted videos on here it has taken me awhile to figure this out.  And I'm not used to my typos not being corrected.  It's sad when using a computer feels like a step backwards. 

I'm old enough, though obviously still very pretty, to remember when PCs were first coming out.  I had a Texas Instrument when I was a kid.  Actually, back in the day we loaded games on to our PCs via cassette tapes.  Remember that folks?!  I can still make the noises.  It would take 30 minutes to load and you'd better cross your fingers it worked or you'd have to start from scratch. 

Anyway, that was fun.  I keep on touching the lap top screen to make my selections and yell when I realize what I'm doing.  Good times.

So I took Madi to the doctor yesterday.  She's been waking up screaming.  We can't see anything wrong.  She was pushing the doctor out of the way so she could move a chair over to look at herself in the mirror.  Dr Smyth was on a chair with wheels so Madi rolled her around.  It was so funny.  Madi is determined.  Anyway, I'm glad that Dr S understands where I'm coming from.  I struggle through most of my days.  I'm SO exhausted.  Yesterday I kept on patting my legs to make sure I had clothes on because my brain just couldn't tell anymore.  So I think I said something like, Madi doesn't sleep and I'm exhausted, and she said something like, yeah and you're too tired to set up a schedule for her.  Yes, thank you.  I have to spell that out to some professionals.  "She needs more structure."  Yeah, and she'd freaking get it if I didn't feel like I was about to pass out 90% of the time. 

I'm hoping that going back to school will help.  If not, Red Bull?

I know!

A very long time ago when I worked at the bookstore, I was hanging out with my friend Elle and this two college girls came in.  One was telling the other a story and before she finished the second one belted out "I know!"  This sort of became our thing for a while.  "I need to go to the bathr..." "I KNOW!"  It made for minutes of fun.  So for some reason that just popped in my head.  If you're ever around me and I yell "I KNOW!" before you've finished talking, now you know.  It kind of loses it's fun when I don't just seem like a crazy person.

Or maybe I still have that locked down.

So anyway, I am on my new to me laptop.  Pedro has become Mr eBay.  He's sold tons of stuff and is quite the whatever you call someone who's really good at something.  I'm still tired.

I'm watching Madi and you cannot turn your back on that girl and I'll be damned if I'm going to try and update a blog on my phone.  So short story long, Pedro got the laptop for me. 

I've been taking Madi to a behaviorist again.  You know, she WAS sleeping through the night for almost four weeks.  We started giving her a new med.  She hasn't slept through the night since June 12th.  I know that because that was when we dropped Lily off at her grandma's house for two weeks.  It's been GRUELING.

Our sleep schedule is so screwed up.  Because Madi isn't sleeping, I tend to fall back asleep later in the morning with her so sometimes I sleep in until ten.  Gee Sonia, you need sleep and you're getting it.  But I feel like I'm wasting my day.  I have a ton of things I wanted to get done this summer.  Oh well.

So anyway her behavior guy is helping unlock what motivates her.  She doesn't learn like other kids and it's frustrating at times.  You know?  I have found it very beneficial.  I want her to get the most out of school so I'm trying to fix some of her problem behaviors and try to get her potty trained.  But it means that I have to get up before ten......