Sigh

So it's normal not to know what the hell you're doing with your life?  I've been so stressed again lately.  I'm trying to think of everything bad that's happened to me this year.  It's kind of a lot.  And not that making a list is going to help me but I want to illustrate just how badly 2014 has sucked for me. 

Suffice it to say, I'm missing out on work again to wait and see my doc first thing this morning.  My nose has been itchy for days.  And it's that numb tingling that I know from shingles.  What makes that really interesting, is that I'm taking acyclovir because there's STILL inflammation in my eye from the first time that I got shingles.  My vision in that eye has gone from 20/25 last year to 20/60 this year.  Oh yeah. So, we've upped my meds and that includes acyclovir.  It's kind of creepy. 

Let's not forget that I hit a deer a few weeks ago.  Pulled a muscle so I haven't been to the gym in a week.  I feel like I have gremlins.  My phone fell out of my pocket, landed right in front of my foot and i kicked it 20 feet across the parking lot.  The protective case burst off of it so the back of my phone is scratched.  The only good part was that the plastic film was still on the camera lens so that's not ruined.

Really.

What the fuck is going on in my life.  And I'm stressed about Madi.  I can't take her syndrome in stride like some people do.  I'm so, very glad that she's healthy.  But I feel like I can't take the unknown parts.  I know that people who have "normal" kids have stuff they need to deal with too, you can never count on life turning out how you expect it.  There are a lot of things that can go wrong for everyone. 

I keep on pushing myself to work even though I'm more tired then I ever thought I could be, because I like my job, I like where I work and they've been flexible with the NUMEROUS days I've had to take off because school has been closed due to snow.  Or the threat of snow.  Let's not go there.

And, shit, I still need to pay for my tooth.  I have money for the implant, but I'm trying to save money for the crown.  Our dental insurance only really covers the preventative stuff.  Not getting that tooth means that my teeth are going to move around more and I'm going to have more problems then I already do so, yes, I will fork out close to $5000 to get this damn bloody tooth.

Are people getting where I'm coming from?  Yes, I'm grateful that I have the money or the ability to get the money to get this done.  But I hate this struggling feeling.  I know, I'm not alone.  I'm just trying to figure things out now, so that if something really bad happens, like Pedro or I can't work, I'll have back up in place.  But Madi was denied for a waiver.  So I'm trying to gather more information and decide on the next step.  if I'm going to work this summer, during the day, she needs care that's a few steps above regular day care and if I pay a nanny, then all of my money is going into childcare. 

At that point, it's not worth working.  So I don't know what to do.  And I'm still struggling to make sense of the situation I'm in.  I know I stress and worry.  Bad things happen when you least expect them, so I expect them all the time so they can't happen.  See?  You can tell how well that's working out for me. 

Anyhoodles, I need to get ready to see the doc and hope that I'm not getting shingles.  Boo.

So yeah...

Am I too young for a mid life crisis?  I never had to question life too much before and now I'm always questioning it.  Or maybe I did wonder about some stuff but not as hard as I do now?  I don't know. 

So here's my thing.  I called the housing crisis and the start of the recession.  I mean, I didn't say, hey there's going to be a recession, but I kept on asking every one I knew, how are people affording these $400,000 houses?  That's and executive priced house and most people I know are not executives!  And then boom, turns out people really couldn't afford them and ta da, the situation we're in today.

So I try and use my so-called reasoning skills now, trying to figure out the best way to use the rest of the life that I have left to maximize my earnings and protect my family as much as I can from any disasters.  No, I'm not building a bubble around my house.  But I keep a stockpile of water.  I'd like a weeks' worth of non-perishable food.  I guess some people might scoff but if there's a big earthquake or hurricane, shit can go south very quickly. 

Anyway, so here's what I see, gather around kiddies.  I see an economy still struggling.  I see a lot of empty stores and yet new buildings going up.  That tells me, there isn't the money for new businesses, not good, and that the local chamber of commerce is more concerned about collecting money from issuing building permits than working on developing business.  Seriously, go to Zion's Crossroads and look at the Louisa County side (Walmart, Lowes, multiple restaurants and gas stations), then look at Fluvanna's side - crickets.  No seriously, there's a big field, I'll bet it's full of crickets.  Oh and there are also still a lot of empty houses.  What does that tell me?  My property value is likely to go down.  The number on your property assessment is just a number it's not what people will pay in the real world.

Where does that take us from there?

Well, if people are losing value in their homes, that means their retirement plans could be in jeopardy.  Which means they could work longer, which could affect some of us waiting for the baby boomers to retire already. 

Geez there are so many variables, it's easy to get sidetracked.  Anyway, I guess it's batten down the hatches and ride it out.  Sigh.  And Lily just came in here to explain her Littlest Pet Shop game to me and well, there's no escaping.

Wake me Up

For some reason I have that Avicii song in my head.  Well, okay, it still gets a lot of radio play.  Whatever. 

This is the first time I've been on my computer in weeks and I had to move a lot of Pedro's junk off my desk so I could get to it.  grrrr  Anyway, I put Madi on the bus and I'm keeping Lily home.  It seems like her bronchitis is back with a vengeance. 

So yeah, listening to her cough most of the night.  mmmm Coffee.

Anyway, I've been seriously worried about losing my job.  I know I'm a temp and I could be let go and any time.  Obviously, I can't control the snow or sick kids, but still, my first 40 hour week of the year was LAST WEEK.  It's like I cannot physically be there for 40 hours.  Something always comes up. 

So I keep on plugging away and doing what I can because I'd rather make some money than no money. 

But I'm tired, and stressed.  I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life.  I know I've said this before.  In Vancouver, I was set for life.  But I wasn't really living.  If you could call living by the beach and going out all the time not living.  Cough.  I kid.  I hated the building I lived in.  I could hear my neighbors going pee.  I was tired and stressed.

Sound familiar?

Anyway, at least I could nap.  And get drunk.  Cough.

Anyway.  Sometimes it feels like everyone else has life figured out, except for me.  I know that's not true.  It's like I'm looking for that one solution. That one job, or one something.  Madi obviously requires a lot more foresight and planning than her sister.  I can make do without a lot.  I can hear some of you scoffing and if you've seen my Wall of Purses, I can understand why.  But when I lived in Australia I had everything I needed in my rucksack (which included coffee) and I was happy.  But now I have a child who will need care her whole life.  I can't carry her in my rucksack.

We did have a good IEP meeting yesterday.  Her PT has pretty much been dropped.  I was surprised they were still doing it.  Remember when she started school she had those little ankle supports because she was having so much trouble walking.  Now she climbs like a mountain goat and can certainly run faster than I can so I had no problems with no PT.  

However, it was still hard seeing her limitations in black and white.  She's improving, don't get me wrong.  But it's still hard.  She'll be five in June but she operates on a 2 year old level.  Again, she's still moving forward and improvement, no matter how slow, is great.  It's just hard confronting it like that.  I see what she can do and I'm happy for her and like it when she cracks her jokes on us.  I don't see her as "slow" although I know she is.

Gross Story Alert

She's been pooping in the tub a lot this week.  I know, we think it's gross too.  So after fussing at her and telling her it goes in the potty, she put a big lump out in the hallway for us, last night.  Tell me that kid doesn't know what she's doing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcrbM1l_BoI