Update ...

So I talked to Madi's doctor, Dr Smyth, Friday evening and she helped me with a lot of my fears. She said our goal is to help Madi be the best that she can be and the early intervention will help with that. I did receive a letter from the developmental pediatrician and he's recommended that Madi get into that special program. So.

FINGERS CROSSED.

It would be so good for all of us. She'd get the help that she needs and I would be able to get caught up on my own things.

Now to Lily....

Lily took off this afternoon but I didn't know because I had told her to stay on the back deck. There was a knock on the back door and a young teenage girl asked if it was okay that Lily was at her house. *FACE* She's very nice and her name is Virginia. I let Lily go and hang out with her and her mom for a while. I peeked out every now and then and Lily seemed to be having a great time. Virginia gave her a barbie. Lucky Lily. *face* I swear we were out shopping last week and one of the cashiers gave Lily money because she was cute.

*face*

Anyway, so Virginia seems pretty responsible. She even shook my hand when I told her my name. I didn't know people under the age of 20 still did that. Anyway, I asked her if she was interested in baby sitting! ha!

Lily cannot stop talking about this girl. But she did have to be punished for taking off so... I ate some of her Easter Bunny. WHAT?

(the top pic is Claire, Madi didn't participate in the Easter Egg hunting)

Sigh

Well, we went to the see the Developmental Pediatrician today. I'm not sure what I was expecting but I think I thought I'd get some answers. He seemed glad that Madilyn is going for genetic testing on Monday. He didn't have any ideas about why she is the way that she is.

I was hoping for a little more.

Madi did get evaluated by their educational coordinator. She seemed pretty concerned (she said she was) about Madi's inability to communicate. No, she doesn't talk, but she doesn't point or nod or whatever, either. She put Madi's communication at an 8 month level. Which is hard to take but it's realistic. She put her cognition at likely an 11 month old's level.

Sad? Yes.

But she used the standardized testing that the schools use so now Madi is very likely to get in with the preschool program in Fluvanna. It's all day and very intensive. They have a PT and an OT there two days a week. The class is small and they work on everything that Madi needs help with.

I'm so frustrated. I have probably tried 100 times to get Madi to point to her nose. She's done it a few times but, as the tester noticed, there's no consistency. The only things that Madi recognizes consistently are "no" and "high five".

That's enough to get by on, right?

So tomorrow she goes to be fitted for braces/inserts to help support her ankles. I think she's keen to get walking because she "walks" around on her knees yelling. That's a good sign.

So what does all of this mean? I don't know. The teacher/tester said that there seems to be some sort of block between what we're saying and what's getting through to Madi - hence a hearing test on the 12th of May. Is her brain damaged? Is there a learning disability? We don't know.

That is frustrating.

My biggest fear is that she'll be like this forever.

My silliest hope is that she's actually a super genius and doesn't feel like our conversations are interesting enough.

I've been...

thinking.

I try really hard to lower the costs of living for my family. Really hard. I'm the light turner offer in my house. I get a twitchy when I see a light on and it not being used. I know I'm bad about leaving my computer on and so even though it has a sleep mode, I still try to turn it off if I'm not going to use it for an hour. I turn the water off when I'm washing my hands or brushing my teeth, etc.

Basically I do all the little things that they tell you to do. Which reminds me, I need to call US Cellular and get them to turn the internet off of my cellphone. I never use it. :/

So food. It costs A LOT. So I try to think of ways to get those costs down as well. But you know, the rules have changed. It used to be, when I was a kid, that you could make a meal for less than you could buy one. I remember apples used to be $.25. Now they cost $1. And I can get a box of mac n cheese for $.57. I mean, money-wise, what are you going to buy to save money? But what's healthier?

I don't like buying the crappy food anymore than anyone else but dang, healthy food is getting more and more expensive. Or so it seems.

When I project how much a dish will cost, it almost always seems cheaper to buy the manufactured item. When did that happen??? I know some crops in the states are heavily subsidized, like corn. I hate it. I mean the whole food system seems to be forcing people to buy the crappy processed food, or to grow their own. Well, I'm going out to buy pots and soil today and I'm going to try my hand at gardening. We've tried before, halfheartedly. But now, as they say, it's on.

Maybe I just have no idea what I'm doing. But I try to find cheap but healthy meals to make and when I go to get ingredients... whew! I feel like I'm competing against an industry with a Dollar Menu. Well, I can't compete. Even with vegetarian meals!

So, I don't know. Am I the only one with this problem? Sugar and flour and expensive so even baking my own treats costs more.

I find this all very frustrating. Aside from growing my own food, does anyone else have any ideas??

Addendum:

I did save almost $110 on our last shopping trip which makes you wonder how much they mark everything up....

So....

I guess we'll take whatever good news we can get, right? Madi's started falling asleep by herself. I did give her some benedryl because it was after midnight and I needed her to sleep but she did it without me holding her. YAY! Oh and don't get me wrong - she still wakes me up at night but for briefer periods of time and she doesn't always need me to get back to sleep. She usually wakes up for a drink.

So progress. Slow progress but progress nonetheless. She's also started kissing us. She grabs Pedro's face and plants one on him. She grabs my hair, laughs while I scream and then kisses me. I've tried to just treat her like a kid her age who has met their milestones. When she hits me, I tell her no, and she actually stops. We may have coddled her more than Lily, I don't know.

I'm getting kind of tired. I had a lovely turkey sandwich but I'd like about 4 more of them. Sigh. And guess when I had a heart attack today? I left madi on the sofa and when I came back. Little fart. Oh and also in good news, I've been running a mile and a half at the gym. Not all at once mind you but I'm getting there. I never thought I could run. Glad that I had a trainer show me!

Pity: Party of 1

So I'm having a crappy day. Madi kept me up from 5:30 til 7:30 and then blissfully fell asleep and stayed asleep right before the alarm went off. *eyes* It's frustrating because she can't tell me what's wrong, because she doesn't talk. I don't know why she can't sleep and it just gets everyone irritated (Pedro came in the room to see if he could help).

We see a lot of people this month: developmental pediatrician, genetics guy, physical therapist.

There's a general consensus that Madi is delayed and not just a little. It's so hard as a parent because for the longest time I could think that maybe she was on her own schedule but it's getting to the point where I have to think that I might be caring for her a lot longer than I anticipated.

Which is depressing as hell.

I did have shingles during my 3rd month of pregnancy and I've researched a bit and that is considered a cause of microcephaly. And boy does she have a small head. It IS growing on a curve and hopefully it stays that way.

You know, I keep on hoping that one day she'll just start talking or start walking or doing anything, something. But she just shows no interest and if I try and engage her in something she gets angry and slaps at me.

I'm just not sure what to think.

I love her but she's a burden. I can't leave her alone for 2 seconds without her crying. So I have to pick her up and carry her everywhere. Sometimes I just have to leave her crying because mommies have to use the bathroom too.

Obviously there are things we can rule out. She doesn't have Down's or autism. She is social and likes to smile at me and her sister. At this point all I can say is: boy am I glad for that. I'm grateful that she's not severely retarded or is missing limbs or something. Hopefully with intensive intervention she will learn to do some basic things. I'd just like to know why this is happening and what I can do about.

I also hope in six months I can read this and think - man, I had nothing to worry about.

But right now I feel like I'm even losing hope for that. :/

Oof

So we're making it day by day. Both girls have double ear infections. Lily started her meds on Sunday so today she's doing a lot better. Madi only started her antibiotics yesterday so she's still hurting. :/ I was getting really frustrated because Madi was SO clingy but not exhibiting any signs (that I could see) of what was wrong with her. I mean, she screams if I leave her for 30 seconds and I'm sorry, but I have stuff to do. :/

Hopefully, by tomorrow things will be better with them both. I'm just not sure if Lily should go to school. Maybe we'll see how she feels. You can't catch ear infections, of course, but I don't know if she's still carrying the original bugs. She lost 2.5 pounds! She wasn't all that hungry and when she did eat it came back up. But both of them had a pretty good dinner last night so....

And I think I got more sleep last night too. I mean, Madi woke me up but for less time and less frequently. I still feel like my head is in a fog though. Yesterday was hell. I mean, mostly for me. I reached a point by 3pm that I couldn't go on anymore. So I tried napping on the living room floor and I may as well have tried sleeping on the interstate. :P

Well, someone is calling for me again...

We are

definitely due for an update. So Lily is off staying the weekend with her grandparents. Everything just seemed to come into place for that. G-ma and g-pa were here to watch the girls while I went and had a mammogram. I'm not much into baring my soul before big events so I kept this mostly quiet. At my last OB/GYN visit she found a mass - she wasn't worried I wasn't really worried but with my family history of breast cancer I went in and had a mammogram and an ultrasound.

I'm all good!

For now anyway. I'm trying to lose weight (fat people produce more estrogen which is related to breast cancer) but I still find it really hard to do while sleep deprived. I eat or drink things to get a little boost to get me through the day. There are days that I put a show on for Madi and just flake out and snooze on the sofa. I HATE doing that but sometimes I get that - I cannot go on - feeling. :P

So Pedro finally let Lily go. LOL I mean to her g-ma's house. I think it helped that he wasn't here at the time. I'm not being mean, I did call him and ask him if he was okay with it. I know he feels left out of decisions. Lily asks almost everyday to go to her g-ma's house (she's even asked to go to M'Lou's house) so she loves her family and wants to spend time with them. That's not a bad thing to encourage, you know?

Well, I'm sort of enjoying my Lily time. It is a little bit easier caring for one kid vs two. Even if Lily takes care of herself most of the time. Madi however has stepped up her game. She woke me up at 1:30. WHY? I want to know WHY. I am getting frustrated and to the end of my rope. She can't tell me what's wrong yet and I've tried all that I can. argh

Anyway, she did take two steps last night so that was good. hmpf

Thinking

... about putting the girls in daycare for a month. Last night Pedro slept with Madi, and I got about 5.5 hours of sleep in a row. More than I've had in a week. Okay? I don't know when she's going to sleep through the night, I know someone who's son was 4 before he started sleeping through the night. It could be a long hard slog.

What I'm thinking is that I could get a baby sitter or a mother's helper but I never know when I'm not going to get sleep or when I'll need some. So if I put the both of them in daycare for say, the month of June, think of all the sweet rest I can get! And Lily won't miss her school too much (as it ends in May) and Madi's world will be expanded.

The drawbacks? Well, it would be expensive. Possibly $800 for a month. And I'll have to find a place that's willing to do this. But could you imagine the sleep I could get???

I know that we all have our problems but I've had a headache for over a week, I've been coughing for 4 weeks, I keep on getting sores in my mouth. It's like I'm just barely hanging on and I need time to rest and recuperate. Sigh.

Anyway, I still kind of like this idea. Maybe I can find a place that would let me put them in for just a week. That would even be awesome! I just need rest and I need to heal.

In other news, I went to a burlesque show last night. wheeee doggies! I'm not sure of the underwear was actually made out of fishing line but I wasn't going to get close enough to find out. The main dancer was really good and the "sideshow" stunts were pretty good. It was a girl who did the sword swallowing and fire eating. The guy just pounded nails into his head. :P

At least I feel like I can cross a few things off of my list of things to see before I die. :)

rough night

Miss Madi kept me up a lot last night. Pedro came in to see if I wanted help. I thought it was like 6am. He said it was 2:30. I thought it was 6 because I didn't get a lot of sleep after that. So you can imagine how I feel today.

I have to admit this is hard. Really hard. I did run into a friend who said her son is only now sleeping through the night and he's 4. So I know I'm not the only one. It is nice having someone to talk to who can relate. A lot of mothers, I'm sure, think it might not be as bad as I'm making it out, etc. I mean, if you have 3 kids and they're all in bed by 7pm, you can't really relate to someone whose child falls asleep at 10:30pm and wakes up all night. gah

Anyway, I'm off to get some groceries and run about 30 errands. With gas prices getting so high, I don't go into town unless I NEED to. This will probably help me lose weight as I'm not going to just drive into town to get cupcakes. :P

And yes, this is a crown that Lily made in pre-school. I think it's better than any I ever made. She is awesome. :) And no, Pedro didn't punch me in the face - Lily did my makeup.

Geez

So we're all laid pretty low around here today. Madi's still taking antibiotics since the urine culture reacted to the antibiotics she's on. Her pee smells WAY better. Lily's taking a different antibiotic for her ear infection. She scared me yesterday. She couldn't stop crying. I got her to take some tylenol, she had a short nap and woke up Tigger. She wouldn't stop bouncing around! Argh

We went to see a different doc since our local office was booked. He was a VERY nice man. Looked like he should still be in residency. Does it mean you're getting old when your doctors look young? Dang.

So yesterday was Pancake Day and the doc's office just happened to be by an IHOP. I wasn't sure I could take care of both of the girls but I thought, nothing ventured, nothing broken. I mean, gained.

Lily was actually good and Madilyn didn't launch herself out of the highchair so we were all good. Madi was shoving her scrambled eggs in her mouth, hand over fist. However, there was a family that came in after us and was seated next to us that had weird little girls. They were STARING at Madi and making comments. Y'all know me - I was trying not to give the Glare of Death. The mom was telling them how old she thought Madi was. She was WRONG. Look, b*tch, I don't take my kids out so that other people can rate how well they eat. She was doing damn well and eating all her food. Lily was also doing exceptionally well - although she stopped eating after putting pepper on her pancakes but you know, haven't we all done that? :)

Shortly thereafter Lily announces that she has to poo poo and in a loud enough voice that a man in a booth tells us, without us asking, where the bathroom is. *rolling eyes* He just laughed and said he had 6 kids and 9 grandkids so he wasn't put off his FOOD. Jeez Lily.

On the way out, Lily says to me "You're the best mommy ever."

Ahhhhh, she plays me like a big dumb cello.

argh

Holy smokes. I'm feeling very run down today. I can just hear Pedro's voice "But you had two night's of sleep!" True, but I feel like I'm coming down with something else. I was just out on the sofa cuddled up under a blanket and falling asleep. Normally I can't sleep unless I'm wearing ear plugs and the room is as black as the dark side of the moon. :P

I'm feeling a little barfy too. We were at the doc's office this morning. Madi's had stinky pee, for lack of a better word, and I wanted to get that checked out. No fever or pulling on her diapers. But it never hurts to check. The test was sort of inconclusive but they're running a culture and we're going to put her on antibiotics for a couple of days as a precaution. This happened to Lily and I a few years ago so.... I don't take chances on this anymore. :/

And Madi started walking with her red bus thing. She's walked with it before but usually because the OT was making her walk. This was all on her own, so that's great. :) The OT said that Madi's feet are still rolling in a lot and that's a huge impediment to her being able to keep her balance. So I guess we still have to see the specialist on the 20th of March. :P I've been hearing stories about that place....

Anyhoo, let me go and check on my girls. I really could just lay down and sleep all afternoon. I never knew that parenting could be so hard. :P

Oh Boy

I am sick today. I mean, I was sick yesterday but today it's really settling into my chest. Gross alert: I had to get up and use the bathroom at 5am which was good because I had to cough too and I would've thrown up in bed had I had to have kept all of that green mucus in my mouth for more than 2 seconds. BLECH!

I had something similar in October and that kept me out of the gym for 2 weeks so here's hoping I heal up faster. I don't have a wedding/trip hanging over my head. I do however have taxes. :P

Wow, I could've sworn I took some pics yesterday. Oh okay, that didn't take too long to figure out. I have to give Apple props for making user-friendly products. I do NOT keep up with technology and it only takes me a few seconds to figure out new things on my iTouch.

We had a nice visit yesterday with g-ma and g-pa. Pedro got to snooze for a few hours and barely woke up in time for the pizza. :P The good part about me not cooking for the last few days is that the amount of frozen leftovers in the freezer has significantly decreased. :)

Well, I guess I'm off to have a shower and get ready for going into town. :P

So

Here's what happened. I went outside to put Lily's bike away while she was on the back deck playing in her sand box. I heard something from the grill and smelled a lot of gas. So I checked the propane tank thingie and I could hear the gas coming out. So I tried turning it off, but it was already off. It was unconnected to the grill (I thought maybe the grill was on but it wasn't) so I tried connecting it to the grill and it still wouldn't stop hissing.

I tried calling Pedro twice and of course, he didn't answer. This reminds me of why I had a coworkers cell phone number - so there was some way he could be reached if I went into labor. :P

So, I called the main gate, which is security, and asked them what I should do and they said call 911. I called 911 and I think there was a miscommunication because I KNOW I said a tank for a grill and instead I had SUVs flying up the road into the grass and men jumping out and hitting the ground running. I had everyone out of the house and we were like, what is going on. Anyway, the fire marshal got there first and called to send four of the fire trucks back. GOOD GRIEF

They thought I meant one of those huge tanks that attach to a house. gah

Anyway, I didn't feel comfortable letting the tank bleed away especially since the guys are here and using power tools that might cause sparks. So I'm glad I called but I felt kind of sheepish. It wasn't a super emergency but it wasn't something that I could just leave and feel comfortable with. The guys/gals were here for almost 2 hours. It wouldn't stop hissing. They what happened was that they filled it really full when it was cold. Then, of course, it was hot yesterday and the propane expanded.

Everything worked the way it was supposed to. I was just having a heck of a day yesterday.

Okay, that's just not fair. I met with a trainer this morning and she came up with a workout for me. It's one of those, doing things that hit a lot of muscle groups at one time, push ups, chin ups, dips, lunges, etc. So my legs H.U.R.T. If I have to bend down, I need to do it by a chair so I can get back up again. But I just reached out to pet BG (who pooped in my bathroom yesterday) and my bicep just screamed.

It's going to be a long day. Crap, it's not even NOON!

Oof

Okay, so Madilyn hasn't been sleeping well, again. Sometimes we reach points where she'll only wake up once or twice and that's a really good night. :) But lately she's been waking me up every hour or two and yelling or screaming and that is, well, a normal night.

So... last night we gave her some Benedryl for the first time. It was okayed by the doctor. It did knock her out, which was AMAZING! It's always very physical when she tries to fall asleep, which is why it's so rough in the middle of the night. She slept from 10:30 to 2:30 (wheee!) and then woke me up at 4:30, 5:15. GAH! It's hard. And I do roll over and check the time because things can always seem earlier or later than they are.

I had a lot of reservations giving Madi something to make her sleep. I file that under "Behaviors of Lazy Parents" but she's almost 20 months old and we've tried everything else. I still just feel that time will give us the answers. When she can talk and tell us what she needs, we can fix things. Her favorite thing right now is to find my head with her head and then she starts knocking our heads together. Really. She has that need for deep pressure sensation. It's why she likes to walk on her toes.

Anyway, it's not fun to wake up to someone else's skull cracking into mine. I guess I could get us crash helmets.....?

So today is a lazy Friday, I hope. Just a few odds and ends and maybe we'll get started making Valentine's for the party on Monday. Wheeeee! And this is a Valentine's that Lily made for me although, she just got snippy and took it back. And told me that she doesn't love me. :P But I love it, it's her handprints in a heart. And not that I will cherish it forever but it's something that I want to keep so that she and I can look at it when she's grown up. :)

Tired, Part 1,346

Wow, Madi was a handful last night. She's got canines coming in now so I know that feels good. I do give her painkiller before bed but it doesn't last all night. So I went in at 4:15am to help out Pedro because I could tell he'd had enough. Poor, wee Madi. She doesn't mean to keep us all up. I think.

It's so funny to me that Lily still wakes up with tumbleweed hair. I mean, it's way past bedhead. And apparently, when she says no pictures, she means it. I have a wee break today - she'll be at school until 1:15. I have proof on one of the handouts it says 1:30, which is why I didn't show up until 1:20. She was the last kid there. And not too pleased with me. Hopefully, I'll get there a little earlier today. She seems to like it although it's more older kids.

I think tomorrow they're having a Valentine's party with cupcakes, etc. Don't you miss preschool???

Holy smokes, we got new internet service (I have to send y'all my new email address) and it takes a second to upload pics instead of the old 5 or more seconds. wheeee!

Anyway, just so y'all remember how pretty Lily can be, this is her before the birthday party she went to on Saturday. I blow-dried her hair for her.

Okay, I think I hear snores coming from Madi's direction, I can finally take a shower. This morning it was ON. I usually prepare for the worst so Lily's lunch was ready and her clothes were laid out. All I had to do was get her to brush her hair and her teeth and help her dress, then throw some clothes on, grab the baby and go. whew