*scream*

Every. Freaking. Time.

I cannot get into blogger without resetting my password every time. As you can imagine, this makes me not want to have anything to do with it. argh

Anyway, June has been a colossal pain in my butt. Looking forward to July. There's a book, movie and video game add-on coming out. SOMETHING to look forward to.

We see the sleep expert tomorrow. I think my expectations have been sunk pretty low. Maybe there are some things I could try to do better (keep her on a schedule) but I've tried everything and I kind of have an existence that I can deal with. I guess I get frustrated easily, I don't know. But all the times I spent trying to get her to nap when I could tell she was tired and after an hour, angry and frustrated, I'd put her in her highchair and she'd fall asleep in 30 seconds. ARGH Yes, Madilyn.

Sigh. Anyway, now she's yelling because she's not sitting on my lap. Why? Because she likes slamming her head back into my collarbone and that really really hurts. *face* I just wonder when Madi's going to snap out of it. A lot of people have told me to accept her and love her for the special baby that she is but, you know, they don't have to put up with sleep deprivation or bruises on their collarbones. I try to give her the love she needs but momma needs some space too. S.I.G.H.

Anyway, some pics of Lily playing yesterday. At least one of us is having fun.

OMGOSH

So I've been having problems with blogger in that I guess it saved the password so I wouldn't have to remember it and the password changed but not in the saved section. I type in the new password and it reverts to the old one, which, of course, doesn't work. I finally got it sorted out. *face*

So things have been kind of rough around here. So far this week, both girls are healthy. I wasn't sure that was ever going to happen! I'm glad that Madi survived her illness okay. And fever that gets close to 104 is scary, especially in someone so young and little. Sigh.

I'm kind of getting frustrated with Madilyn. It's funny that the people I talk to lately, point out that she's a special kid. I see a kid who's two and kind of walking, not talking and still not sleeping. Pedro says she sleeps through the night but that's because if she crawls out of his embrace he pulls her back in. to me, that's not sleeping through the night and I think it's bad that he's using himself as a prop. I mean, I have to do that to get her to sleep. Then I shove her across the bed so I can roll over and get some sleep. Sigh.

I have to vent

We all know that I'm pretty tired and stressed out most of the time, right? And that reflects on how I live my life and the life my kids and husband has. If one member of the team is constantly burned out, well...

So I'm having problems with Madi's physical therapist. She's great but uhhh not so good with the scheduling part of things. Initially, our appointment was for yesterday (Wednesday). She emailed me last Friday and asked if I could maybe do it this Friday. We go to UVA on Friday and if you've ever been there you know it's the worst place to go ever, and I'd like to have a peaceful morning, but okay, sure if we have to do PT on Friday am, we'll do it.

So I don't hear from her all weekend and finally I email her back Tuesday night to see if she's coming over Wednesday.

Now bear in mind, poor Lily is going house crazy and I'm trying to make playdates for her. I've made one for Monday, but we're all sick so I call and change it to Thursday.

The PT gets back to me late Tuesday night and says she can now make it Thursday. Frack.

So I msg the mom and say, hey we can't make it Thursday now.

I'm kind of flaky enough in real life I don't need someone else messing things up for me. I'm about to just say look, we can do PT at this time and date, if you can't do that, then we'll find someone else.

Update

So after the meltdown yesterday, Lily tried her very best to be a good girl. And she did a really good job. :) I tried to lay down the rules with her (no hitting, etc) and we had a good talk. whew

It's just funny that all it took was a garbage bag to get her attention. :/

Oh boy

I will admit to having trouble with parenting. My own parents weren't really absent parents, I mean they were in the house, but they didn't spend a lot of time with me. Really. Once I learned how to cook, I hardly saw them. So I thought being a parent was a breeze. A few minutes here or there.

Reality is much harder. For one, Madilyn is an extremely clingy and needy kid. Then there's the fact that I don't want to raise the girls like my parents raised me. So that means a lot of hitting is out. My dad was very strict and I got a lot of spankings, sometimes with a belt. Sometimes he slapped my face. It was pretty rough.

So, that's what I know.

I know about counting and time out but holy crap, Lily is not down with it. She was acting up and started spitting at me. So I told her to go to time out and I held her there for a bit. When she wouldn't stop fighting me, I let go of her and went to her room to get her laptop. I took her laptop after she was warned to stop yelling/stomping/hitting. If anything that made her angrier. I thought maybe ignoring her would help. Since that worked for Madilyn and her hitting her head on the floor. I did the dishes. Lily kicked over the baby gate. Stomped on it, threw her step stools, etc. By this point I was ready to put her head through a wall.

What I did instead was, hopefully, calmly take a garbage bag and head for her room. She knew exactly what this meant and stopped everything. I started putting toys in the bag while she began crying and pleading for me to stop. So we had a talk.

Apparently, she hates her sister and wants her to go back in my belly. I tried to explain that's not going to happen.

I really don't know what else to do. It's my opinion that when Pedro yells at her, it teaches her that it's okay to yell. I think she pitches fits to get attention. I don't want to reward the behavior and I've noticed that spankings don't seem to work.

Taking her toys away sure gets her attention. I've read my share of books but I know that each kid is different. One mom I know has found that money really motivates her son. I don't think that Lily is a bad kid but she had a lot of spunk and really seems to enjoy fighting.

I'm trying to listen to her more and treat her more kindly (hoping she'll follow my lead). Sigh.

At least I have lots of garbage bags.

Yay!!!!

Monday I called the school where that awesome program is for kids who are delayed. The lady in charge of the program doesn't work during the summer, so I was kind of bummed. Well, I guess they actually passed on the message and she called me back today. She told me that they'd accept the doctor's results and therefore they find Madi eligible for the program. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY

We'll meet with them the first week of August and school starts on the 15th for the little ones. WOO and a HOO! I've worked really hard this week to get caught up with things. I feel like I can kind of let out a breath. Then take another one so I can call the doctor and get an appointment for Madi. She's still coughing and pulling on her ears. Good grief. This year has been awful for colds for us. Sigh.

phew that is a load off of my mind. Granted, Madi is still learning new skills but I still don't think what she could learn over the summer will make her ineligible. She's still not talking and still putting every damn thing she finds on the ground in her mouth. Yesterday we were at the vets (for Riley) and I had to put her down to pay and off she went. She came back chewing on something. Luckily, it was just a cat treat. *eyes*

So, Riley - the vet did a really good exam on his belly and found some masses. She thought they MIGHT be poop but she was pretty sure they're outside of the poop chute. Sorry, I'm tired. So, they're doing blood work to make sure there's nothing going on that prednisone might make worse. And we're going back Saturday for her to feel his belly again. And he's getting cat lax with every meal to make sure there's nothing stuck in there.

I guess if there are masses, then we talk about x-rays. I'm not going to let him suffer from cancer. I figure an operation, if necessary, and she said that prednisone can help ease some of the suffering. As well as keep him from puking. *eyes*

I get one thing taken care of and something else pops up. I'll be so glad when the only pets we have are fish.

yay

I can't believe I haven't mentioned it here - or maybe I did and forgot. Madi's genetic testing was finally okayed by the insurance company. We go in Friday to draw blood and it will take 5 or 6 weeks after that to get the results. Oorah!

Hunkered Down

So at least three out of the four of us are sick. I feel like if I close my eyes my head would pop off of my body and float away. Ugh. Madi has a fever but she's acting okay otherwise. She was warming up the bed last night, until I gave her some tylenol. Honestly, after I moved her after a diaper change the mattress felt like I'd had an iron on it. Poor thing. Lily ate some breakfast but then threatened to throw it up everywhere we went. Sigh. And I caught something from one of them. Oh boy.

Geez

So, to be honest Madi has been sleeping somewhat better. She'll usually sleep 5 or 6 hours before waking up and needing a diaper change, then going back to sleep and sleeping a few more hours.

This has been a nice change.

However, I've found that the more sleep I get the sharper my brain becomes and the more I'm aware of how awful my body feels. Good grief.

But I'm still holding out hope that the more that Madi's walks the better she'll sleep. :)

Lily, on the other hand, is acting like an ogre. Everything is a fight.

So, I'm feeling somewhat better but I'm still on the ropes and my plate is pretty full. So I need the cats throwing up every day.

Holy smokes. I had to clean up some very messy stuff Monday. Bear in mind, this is in the living room so I have to keep Madi in her chair while I clean up. So then Riley barfed again today in the living room. Same peanut butter consistency. This time I used the steam cleaner. And it took FOREVER to get it up. Just disgusting. So the carpet is still wet and Madi needs to be kept away from the floor.

I take Lily to the doctor (she's wheezing) and we get back - MORE CAT VOMIT ON THE FLOOR! I've asked the vet for prednizone and it's not expensive and it will help but the vet is reluctant to give it to me because he'd rather do some tests. I spent a large amount of money on Riley two years ago and the results were inconclusive. So just give me some darn prednisone already!

I don't know what to do . Call around and see if someone will just give me the pills? I think the vet doesn't make enough money off of the pills. I know that sounds cynical but geez.

Oh a lighter note, I love love love love love that pic of Lily.

Finally

Wow, blogger has been a b*tch the last few days. So, life has been rough the last week! I think Madi is over her cold, which means that I'm finally getting some sleep. I got 5 hours last night which felt like bliss. She was only sleeping 15 to 30 minutes at a time Monday night. Then I got sick and understood how she felt.

She had a great nap yesterday. After her physical therapy session. The braces are working out well. Madi has to build up her confidence. The PT said that Madi has everything she needs to walk. She has the strength, she just needs to be prodded into it.

We walked outside too. Walking on the gravel, even standing, uses more muscles than just standing on carpet. :)







Of course, this week would've been much harder if I'd had Lily with me. It's funny how it just works out sometimes. Lily went home with g-ma and g-pa on Sunday. She should be back today. If they can pry her away from the beach. It looks like she's had a lot of fun this week. :)

It's hard trying to give Lily what she needs when Madi needs so much from me AND doesn't let me get much rest. I hope g-ma and g-pa are up for watching Lily more this summer too. It makes me smile to think how hard it was for Pedro to let her go and now he's ready to let her go to her grandparents' house for the whole summer. I think that might be pushing it a bit. Grandparents, even super ones, need their rest too. :)

Well...

So Madi's genetic testing was denied by the insurance company. I didn't get around to calling the doc today to see what our next plan will be. I honestly feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants. Should I call our pediatrician? The developmental pediatrician? Our community liaison lady? I have no idea.

I do know, or hope, that Madi will get her braces this week or next. We had a great PT session today. Madi took 10 steps, with some help and encouragement. I mean, 10 altogether. She walked a lot more than that. She was getting cranky with her therapist for making her work so hard. :P

The PT noticed that Madi comes to be a lot. She suggested that I really try to nip that in the bud because she thinks it's interfering with Madi's walking and play. She says I'm everything to Madi, comfort, play, etc. We need her to start doing that on her own.

So, now when Madi comes up to me. I give her a cuddle then introduce a toy and move myself. Great, more exercise. :P This is something that Pedro and I have noticed, more out of irritation than anything else. I let her scream herself to sleep in the afternoon because I do all I can and when that's not enough....

So far today has gone relatively well. But I'm sure there will be bumps in the road.

Isn't there always???

Update ...

So I talked to Madi's doctor, Dr Smyth, Friday evening and she helped me with a lot of my fears. She said our goal is to help Madi be the best that she can be and the early intervention will help with that. I did receive a letter from the developmental pediatrician and he's recommended that Madi get into that special program. So.

FINGERS CROSSED.

It would be so good for all of us. She'd get the help that she needs and I would be able to get caught up on my own things.

Now to Lily....

Lily took off this afternoon but I didn't know because I had told her to stay on the back deck. There was a knock on the back door and a young teenage girl asked if it was okay that Lily was at her house. *FACE* She's very nice and her name is Virginia. I let Lily go and hang out with her and her mom for a while. I peeked out every now and then and Lily seemed to be having a great time. Virginia gave her a barbie. Lucky Lily. *face* I swear we were out shopping last week and one of the cashiers gave Lily money because she was cute.

*face*

Anyway, so Virginia seems pretty responsible. She even shook my hand when I told her my name. I didn't know people under the age of 20 still did that. Anyway, I asked her if she was interested in baby sitting! ha!

Lily cannot stop talking about this girl. But she did have to be punished for taking off so... I ate some of her Easter Bunny. WHAT?

(the top pic is Claire, Madi didn't participate in the Easter Egg hunting)

Sigh

Well, we went to the see the Developmental Pediatrician today. I'm not sure what I was expecting but I think I thought I'd get some answers. He seemed glad that Madilyn is going for genetic testing on Monday. He didn't have any ideas about why she is the way that she is.

I was hoping for a little more.

Madi did get evaluated by their educational coordinator. She seemed pretty concerned (she said she was) about Madi's inability to communicate. No, she doesn't talk, but she doesn't point or nod or whatever, either. She put Madi's communication at an 8 month level. Which is hard to take but it's realistic. She put her cognition at likely an 11 month old's level.

Sad? Yes.

But she used the standardized testing that the schools use so now Madi is very likely to get in with the preschool program in Fluvanna. It's all day and very intensive. They have a PT and an OT there two days a week. The class is small and they work on everything that Madi needs help with.

I'm so frustrated. I have probably tried 100 times to get Madi to point to her nose. She's done it a few times but, as the tester noticed, there's no consistency. The only things that Madi recognizes consistently are "no" and "high five".

That's enough to get by on, right?

So tomorrow she goes to be fitted for braces/inserts to help support her ankles. I think she's keen to get walking because she "walks" around on her knees yelling. That's a good sign.

So what does all of this mean? I don't know. The teacher/tester said that there seems to be some sort of block between what we're saying and what's getting through to Madi - hence a hearing test on the 12th of May. Is her brain damaged? Is there a learning disability? We don't know.

That is frustrating.

My biggest fear is that she'll be like this forever.

My silliest hope is that she's actually a super genius and doesn't feel like our conversations are interesting enough.

I've been...

thinking.

I try really hard to lower the costs of living for my family. Really hard. I'm the light turner offer in my house. I get a twitchy when I see a light on and it not being used. I know I'm bad about leaving my computer on and so even though it has a sleep mode, I still try to turn it off if I'm not going to use it for an hour. I turn the water off when I'm washing my hands or brushing my teeth, etc.

Basically I do all the little things that they tell you to do. Which reminds me, I need to call US Cellular and get them to turn the internet off of my cellphone. I never use it. :/

So food. It costs A LOT. So I try to think of ways to get those costs down as well. But you know, the rules have changed. It used to be, when I was a kid, that you could make a meal for less than you could buy one. I remember apples used to be $.25. Now they cost $1. And I can get a box of mac n cheese for $.57. I mean, money-wise, what are you going to buy to save money? But what's healthier?

I don't like buying the crappy food anymore than anyone else but dang, healthy food is getting more and more expensive. Or so it seems.

When I project how much a dish will cost, it almost always seems cheaper to buy the manufactured item. When did that happen??? I know some crops in the states are heavily subsidized, like corn. I hate it. I mean the whole food system seems to be forcing people to buy the crappy processed food, or to grow their own. Well, I'm going out to buy pots and soil today and I'm going to try my hand at gardening. We've tried before, halfheartedly. But now, as they say, it's on.

Maybe I just have no idea what I'm doing. But I try to find cheap but healthy meals to make and when I go to get ingredients... whew! I feel like I'm competing against an industry with a Dollar Menu. Well, I can't compete. Even with vegetarian meals!

So, I don't know. Am I the only one with this problem? Sugar and flour and expensive so even baking my own treats costs more.

I find this all very frustrating. Aside from growing my own food, does anyone else have any ideas??

Addendum:

I did save almost $110 on our last shopping trip which makes you wonder how much they mark everything up....

So....

I guess we'll take whatever good news we can get, right? Madi's started falling asleep by herself. I did give her some benedryl because it was after midnight and I needed her to sleep but she did it without me holding her. YAY! Oh and don't get me wrong - she still wakes me up at night but for briefer periods of time and she doesn't always need me to get back to sleep. She usually wakes up for a drink.

So progress. Slow progress but progress nonetheless. She's also started kissing us. She grabs Pedro's face and plants one on him. She grabs my hair, laughs while I scream and then kisses me. I've tried to just treat her like a kid her age who has met their milestones. When she hits me, I tell her no, and she actually stops. We may have coddled her more than Lily, I don't know.

I'm getting kind of tired. I had a lovely turkey sandwich but I'd like about 4 more of them. Sigh. And guess when I had a heart attack today? I left madi on the sofa and when I came back. Little fart. Oh and also in good news, I've been running a mile and a half at the gym. Not all at once mind you but I'm getting there. I never thought I could run. Glad that I had a trainer show me!