Wow

I've been working hard on cleaning up my desk today. I don't really have a reason. I think seeing the mess left behind after my father died really lit a fire under me to get rid of things I don't need. I have a small pile of things for Goodwill and I recycled a lot of paper. I even chucked a ring of keys I hadn't seen in 5 years. Seriously, if I didn't need it all this time....

Oh and Lily doesn't need me anymore. She can put on her own shoes, eat her own oatmeal and yogurt. hmmm I know there's more. She talks a lot more. I guess grandma was a good conversationalist. :)

Do not leave maxipads in an open suitcase on the floor. Sigh. I wish I could have fun with anything like Lily does. Of course, that would also mean that someone else would clean up the mess.... Maybe some of you can advise me on what to do with pictures that I don't want. I feel kind of guilty throwing out old pictures of people who I don't know, but what else am I supposed to do with them? Could people use them for art projects? I have a ton of pictures and I don't want them and can't think of a use for them. Ideas please.... :)

Let's see. Oh I was going to put down a happy dad memory. I've already told this to some people, but too bad. My father was really into helping people. One rainy day we were at a mall, in the liquor store. (of course - ha!) A man on crutches came in the mall and within a few steps he slipped and fell. I was about 9 or 10 and just watching, as irritating children do. No one rushed to help him. They looked but kept on walking. I remember seeing him struggle to get up and all of a sudden my dad saw him. My dad hurried out and helped the man up and get his feet. I remember how grateful the guy was. Then we went back in for the booze. :) I try to do the same. I mean, not the booze part. I hold doors open for people or I'll see someone struggling to get something off of a high shelf and offer to get it. (or wait until they notice me towering over them). I like helping people too although I'm a touch shy about it. So people, go and help someone today and see how much better you feel. :) But ask first! What's that joke about the old lady and the boy scout?

Oh and in case you were wondering...

Trust me, that's a 100x better. :)

Gingersnap back to reality

It's funny how quickly I got used to not taking care of Lily. I was slowly waking up this morning when I realized that I probably needed to take care of Lily. Hey, she was right beside me. So quickly I forgot about getting milk and breakfast, as well as juice and snacks, for someone else. I slowly got it together this morning. :)

I'm trying to empty out my suitcases. One of them was opened by the TSA (they left a lovenote) but everything seems to be there. I'll try to take some pictures of Lily but I think today is recovery day. Last night I went to bed to try to lull Lily to sleep and I crashed. I mean, I woke up at 2, fully dressed and wondering what happened. I didn't even have martinis to blame! I thought I would get more sleep in Vancouver but I was in a strange bed and in a house with strange goings on, so not much rest was had. Could I be more vague? Alright, it seemed like we were haunted a few times but it wasn't that bad.

Or was it???? MUHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

I'm back

And very tired. I think I got 3 hours of sleep last night. Someone's auntie got a second wind at 11pm and was extremely talkative. Oh well. I usually kept her awake talking while I tried to sleep. :)

You know, it wasn't so bad. I mean the traveling part. I never set off alarms in security (sports bras, ladies!) (and some men), and I like those little baggies to put my stuff in. My lip gloss always gets lost at the bottom of the bag but not anymore... I really don't have anything to complain about. Two of my four flights on United, left early. And my connecting flights were close. It really couldn't have been better.

I didn't have a lot of time there and I didn't even go into Vancouver. We had a garage sale for two days. There's nothing like a garage sale to bring out the best in people. :) But we got rid of a lot of stuff. I wish I had done more. I blame it on the martinis. I told my aunt and her friend Trish that I don't drink and then proceeded to down 3 and a half martinis. I think you call that making up for lost time.

Let's see, I won't go into specifics cuz I'm tired (three hours of sleep, remember?) and I really can't think of anything interesting to get into right now. I will say that Lily seems so different already. Apparently, she lets people know when she's ready to go to bed now. :) She didn't seem too enthused to see me this afternoon, but she hugged me and held on tight for several minutes tonight. :) Well, I hear someone crying so I'd better go... :)

Wow

I'm full! I was craving a burger. I haven't given up on eating more veggies but I've worked out 4 days in a row and my body wants something substantial. Now I'll HAVE to go to the gym tonight. :) I'm still kind of nervous about flying. Okay, not about the flying part but I don't know what to do anymore. It's been several years since I've flown. I can check-in online, but then what do I do with my bags? I know the TSA people have to check them first. One of them smells like a rat died in it. (I febreezed the CRAP out of it) I guess doing the check in online will answer a lot of questions. Cuz I'm all, where do I get my boarding pass? Sigh. I am down with all the carry on rules. I've been studying that stuff for days. :) You can even bring yogurt, as long as it's under 3 oz. Go on, ask me a question!

Achem. Anyway, I'm thinking about calling the airline tomorrow if I still have questions. I've been going over all the stuff I need, I just cleaned my wallet out of all the extra crap. I want a smooth, fast trip through security and customs. So I won't wear this shirt.

Gosh. You really have to take your shoes off to go through security. I thought they used to pull people out of line who looked suspicious. Oh well, I guess I'll wear my ladybug socks. :)

OMG

I'm running around a bit getting the clothes together that I want to bring to Vancouver. So I'm not watching Lily 100% of the time. It was pretty quiet and that usually means disaster (for me). I went out to the livingroom and Lily had opened up her yogurt (I had put it out to feed her at one point but forgot about it - sigh) and she was eating it. She didn't even spill it! Is that normal for an almost 18 month old? Just curious.

In other news, I just tried on my tight jeans and I have a little bit of muffin top, but they'll do. Go me! You know what sucks, though? I used to have half a dozen makeup bags. Remnants from several beauty gift with purchase things. I cleaned out my drawers a while ago and got rid of them all. Well, who needs one now???? Crap.

*Smile*

As I was watching Sesame Street this morning, I remembered something that always used to make me smile. I'm trying to think of how to set this up. The CBC (Canadian Broadcasting something) used to use little fillers in between shows. There used to be this one, right before All My Children came on. My mother taped it, thank you very much. I abhor, ABHOR!, soap operas.

Anyhoo, picture it: a little girl with Down's syndrome in a bumper car. I think she was wearing glasses and a blue jacket. A look of complete concentration on her face. The wheel was cranked hard so she was going backwards in circles. What made this perfect? Willie Nelson's On the Road Again, playing in the background. I used to laugh so hard. And not at her. Just because it was so perfect. And I don't even know if I can explain why I thought it was so perfect. I sat there transfixed for the whole 45 seconds and it would just fill me with joy. :)

In other news, I'm going to start packing soon. I ordered a cool knapsack from Endless.com. Free overnight shipping. Sometimes they have overnight shipping and pay you $5. Plus they have some hot shoes. Check out the Naughty Monkey. Anyway, once my knapsack gets here I can put my passport and other stuff in it. Like my granola bars. M'Lou warned me that they do sell food on the plane but they run out of it. As they did to her, twice in one day. I remember that. She got to our house and was starving. Pedro was kind and grilled her a steak at 10 at night, or something. :)

I hear that the washing machine has stopped. Time for the next load. :P *humming On the Road Again*

She might be a contender

Lily has started hitting. It's not the upset smack she does when you take something away from her. It's a stealthy, clock mommy in the head with a coffee cup when she's not looking, kind of hit. She got me with an empty juice jug yesterday. She's strong and it hurt. I tell her not to hit ever. I'm not sure what else to do. Sometimes I'll yell ow (cuz it hurts) and she'll get upset and need a hug from me. Say what??! It's something I'll work on when I get back home but it's definitely a frustrating turn of events.

Lily has also started refusing naps. She is sleeping right now. whew But she didn't nap all weekend. Which meant she crashed at 7pm. ha! She has been displaying some seperation anxiety. She cried when I went to the gym Friday night. But I went, because well, I need to and I guess she finally fell asleep. Sunday, I went to the gym and she waved bye and then went back to coloring. whew So hopefully she's learning that I go away but come back, eventually. :) I'm also hoping this means I can go to the gym during the day and she won't cry. I think my classes start May 19th, from 6 to 10 pm. So I'm not going to have time in the evening to go. I'm really looking forward to it. It will be a bit chaotic but I'm so psyched about what I'm going to learn and I've had a couple of different people either offer me a job, or offer to help find me one. So, one again, I'm excited! I know it's going to be a long slog through 10 months. :)

Anyway, I need to rinse the dye out of my hair. I'm slowly knocking things off of my to-do list. :) How awesome am I???

Well, it's official

I got my suitcase out from the back of the closet. Mayhem ensued for 5 minutes as I tried to figure out how to open it. Then more mayhem as I tried to find the keys. Sigh. All is well. I'm going to try to pack lightly as I'm sure I'll have some things to bring home. :) Probably some old pictures, but for sure some Canadian chocolates. Watch out Purdy's! And that's it really. Pedro keeps on begging me to bring home some dried ginger beef but I just don't think it will taste good after a day in my suitcase. And think of what my clothes will smell like...!

I still don't know why I'm filled with so much anxiety about going to Vancouver. I know I'll miss Lily. I'll miss my home. I won't miss Pedro cuz he's grumpy. And I'm sure to get a lot of sleep. Maybe my dad's death will finally become real. 3000 miles gives some emotional distance too, I guess. I also haven't flown since 2002 and there have been a lot of changes. I just don't want any hassles. I want to have everything at the ready - I'm even willing to wear flip flops so I won't have to take off my shoes. Although my toes will freeze off in Vancouver. Someone recommended that I take some sage with me to my dad's house so I can do some smudging. Great idea.

Happy Birthday G-pa

Well, I think it was yesterday, but Happy Birthday G-pa! I remembered earlier today and then forgot until 2 minutes ago. Such is life in my brain. What is Lily doing in this picture? Watching tv upside down in a container much too small for her, of course. At least one of us in this family will be normal. achem

Lily did a little better today when I went to the gym. She didn't start crying. She also skipped her nap today and crashed tonight. ha! It was just nice to experience a peaceful evening. :) Lily's starting to become so grown up looking. I wonder if she'll be a sassy pants like me. Yes, I'm writing stupid cuz I really have to go pee. Does anyone else do that? Blog under bladder pressure? Just curious. But not TOO curious.

Ahh, much better. Anyway, today I made ribs and baked beans and fresh rolls for dinner. yummm! Okay, the ribs were already cooked, the beans heated up in the microwave and the rolls were heat and eat, but hells bells, it was delicious! We've been worrying about Lily getting enough to eat because of the other night when she was crying because she was so hungry. I know Lily likes ribs (see mother's day pics from last year) and I know she likes beans. She even ate a whole bun. So, she was tired and had a full belly. :) Mission accomplished. Unfortunately, I spent a small fortune on ribs which I can't do every night. Sigh.

Well, as I was playing that fracking game again, I'd better wrap this up and get to bed. I still have a lot of things to do before I go. Like find my suitcase.... Sigh.

Cry It Out

I can't remember if I wrote about this already or not. I think it was Thursday night that Lily wouldn't quiet down. She kept on crying off and on. This went on for a long time and I did let her cry for 5 minutes alone because I was getting so frustrated. Then she made a num num face (she looks like she's eating) and I finally got it. She slammed a mommy yogurt and went to sleep. I can't WAIT for her to talk. "Food" or "hungry" would have made all the difference in the world. Sigh.

So that's why I'm against CIO. There could be something genuinely wrong. Last night, Lily just seemed to want me. Sigh. I guess I'll see if I can make something similar at one of those Build a Bear places. :) Also, since Lily's been up later, she's been more tired and crankier in the morning. It's kind of a vicious cycle. :P

I guess I'm not feeling so bad since I got a full night's sleep. I just wish my dreams could be more normal. But then that would mean I'd have to be more normal....

Well, I'm off to get my haircut and go and get groceries. It's going to be daddy and Lily together again today. I think they need the practice. :P

Finally

I think I finally got close to 8 hours of sleep last night. It feels so good. :) So I'm not as snarky. I also made it to the gym last night for almost an hour and a half of sweating! That also helped. And the hot guy who worked out beside me for 2 minutes and smelled absolutely divine? Also helped. :) There seem to be some people who don't mind going to the gym stinky and getting stinkier. As someone (of many) who needs to breathe, I don't appreciate bad smells as I'm stuck on a machine sucking air. That goes double for you gas releasers out there.

I'm trying to load the video again. The internet has seemed to be so slow lately. Sigh. In other news, this is my new addiction. I meant to have a nap yesterday with Lily but somehow I got stuck playing it for over an hour. Sigh.

Last night, as I tried to leave for the gym, Lily became inconsolable. Pedro wanted me to stay but I can't be tied to Lily all the time and he'll need to learn how to deal with her when I'm gone. Apparently, she cried for over an hour. I guess she is really going through seperation anxiety. Daddy used to be the rockstar of the house, but she doesn't want to be apart from me anymore. Which is weird, because at the play group, where she's surrounded by 30 kids, she only comes to see me twice. Granted I go and see her to make sure she's not stuck or to help her get onto or into toys. :) Well, it looks like the video is up. I'll see if I can get another one on here.

A Cup of Hot Snarly Hornet Stew

I am SO grumpy today. I think the pressure of the last few months is getting to me. My patience is ZERO. I really feel overwhelmed and fat and an inept mother. Which I'm sure is all ridiculous, except for the fat part. I mean, really, I work out 4 days a week and I've lost 5 pounds in almost two months. Okay, so I ate some donuts yesterday. Oh fuddrucker! The house down the road is having trees cut down and that was bad enough, but now the steaming chunks are grinding the stumps. ARGH Seriously, I'm not in a good mood.

I took Lily to the gym again today and I only worked out 15 minutes. I don't know what to do. I've started explaining to her that she needs to play so mommy can go and do what she needs to do and that I'm going bye bye but I'll be back. I figure that once she's been without me for a week, we'll make a dent in the separation anxiety. That, or she'll cling even more to me. Once I start classes in May, I won't be able to work out at night. And getting up at 5am seems a little out of touch with the chowder, I like to call reality.

Oh CRAP! I meant to make myself something to eat and now I'm REALLY hungry. Moms? Please tell me I'm not the only one to do this. Sigh. At least I think I remembered that I had to go to the bathroom. *feels chair*

Well, there was an awesome video to be included but it's been a few hours now and the dern thing won't take. So I'll try again later. :P

Nummy

That's what Lily's yelling at the moment. I kind of like being Nummy instead of Mummy. It has a certain, something. :) This is one of the shoes I wore to drive Pedro to work this morning. I'm so tired of looking like a schlump. But then sleep deprivation is its own look, right? So yes, Lily tried on my shoes. She did a pretty good job. Man, her toes look long. Anyway, I have a crap-ton of things on my mind and I need to get things done. I don't have really laborious things to do, but I have a lot of little things that are all important. That's irritating cuz I'll be laying awake at night and I'll think, Biteguard! I can't forget my biteguard! Sigh.

Well, I have a week. Apparently, some people need to get in gear too. :)







PS Fridge - you're a little bit dirty. You might want to fix that.

Wowza

I called Lily's doctor's office today. Wow! ha ummm G-ma's going to be looking after L-pants and I wanted to know if they needed a letter or something so they will accept that g-ma's taking care of her. Did that make sense? I got buried under some good advice. I never even thought of giving Lily's insurance card to G-ma. But if there's an emergency, she'll need it. Thanks doctor's office!

I did get Lily's schedule made up. I even managed to keep it to one page! Now I'm working on contacts and other stuff. SIGH. Who knew being a mom was so bureaucratic???

I love Lily. I just asked her if she wanted to wash her hands and she went straight to the bathroom. Earlier today I asked her to find her daddy. She went to the study, then the spare bedroom, then the bathroom. She knows where he spends his time... :)

I just wish Lily talked more. I mean, in a language that I understand.

Well, hmpf

I was waiting and waiting to see all the comments for the cute Lily picture and what did I get??! Nothing! I've also been suffering from allergies (I think) so I've been too tired to post. But I'd rather cite self-righteous indignation than weakness. :) This is Lily at playgroup yesterday. She had fun. I have some cute stories but no one's going to comment on them so.... :P

Man, I am a little suckhole today. Anyway, I thought maybe I'm tired because I haven't been eating enough iron (in my food) or enough calories so we went to Sticks last night. It's a healthy fast food place. Do I have to mention it's a kebab shop? Anyway, I had an awesome lamb sandwich and then proceeded to pig out on onion rings and fries. As I'm still tired, I guess I wasn't suffering from a lack of calories or meat. Sigh. But you have to eliminate things to be scientific, right?

My car is still in the shop so I'm chauffeuring Pedro back and forth to work. This morning was the first morning I could sleep in so Pedro didn't get to work until 10. ha! Lily had a good sleep in too so I think we're all a little happier. Don't expect it to last. :) I need to start on my packing list - seriously, if I don't write things down, I will forget to pack deodorant, etc. I need to type out Lily's schedule for G-ma and remember to check-in online. Oh yeah, and make sure that I have my passport. whew

So I have a lot of stuff on my mind. I'll be a lot happier on April 15th when I'm home. :) I'm going to miss Lilypants like crazy. ummm and Pedro too. :)